


Beautiful Disasters

by Deanismysavior



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Highschool AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 16:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7060948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanismysavior/pseuds/Deanismysavior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is geeky, awkward, and altogether a mess. Starting at a new school really doesn't help the fact. The nerves of trying to make connections with people remind him of the loss he feels in the absence of his family. None of this makes it easy for him to adjust. When he meets Dean Winchester, things may finally be looking up for a change. For once, Castiel doesn't feel so alone</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- Cas  


The first day was always the hardest. At least, it seemed that way to Cas. He stood, hovering in front of the closet, eyes skimming over the array of clothing, pulling at the fabrics and tossing aside the rejects. He knew it was stupid, but Cas had always liked looking his best on the first day. He glanced back at the clock to see the time. It was already 1:30 in the morning, he sighed and pushed the closet doors shut. He’d have to choose his outfit in the morning. Padding on soft feet over to his mattress, he nestled in between the sheets and within moments was snoring obnoxiously.  


Bright sunlight peeked its way through the curtains and Cas yawned, lifting his head up from the pillow. Every muscle felt stiff and tense. He stretched his back, curling his spine and rolling his shoulders. Cas almost put his head back down on the pillow, but out of the corner of his eye caught sight of the clock whose glaring red letters read 7:00am.  


“Shit, shit, shit,” he cursed. With a start, he flung himself out of bed and scrambled to the shower, quickly peeling off his oversized gray t-shirt and blue striped pajama pants. He climbed in the shower just long enough to lather soap on himself and rinse— he was fairly certain there was still a touch of shampoo residue left in his hair— before making a mad dash back to the bedroom. Still dripping spots of water across his carpet, he threw on a heather gray hoodie and a pair of black skinny jeans; so much for his first day look. Darting back to the bathroom, he stood in front of the mirror and assessed his appearance. He had no time to address the dark circles under his eyes from his late night. Hopefully the thick frames of his glasses would hide them. Cas scrambled for the tube of winter mint Colgate and his toothbrush and began to scrub at his teeth furiously. Quickly spitting, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and ran to the kitchen to retrieve his things before heading straight to his car.  


_How could I have been so stupid?_ Cas berated himself, _how could I forget to set the alarm!?_ He yanked open the door to his '78 Lincoln Continental Mark V, flinging himself into the driver’s seat. Cas’s hurried panic caused him to fumble with the keys as he jammed them into the ignition. Ramming his foot into the gas pedal, he took off speeding towards the school.  


“Come on, come on!” he yelled as the traffic light flashed red and he had to slam on his breaks in order not to collide with the car in front of him. He tapped his fingertips impatiently on the steering wheel. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the light finally changed and he turned onto the school’s driveway.  


As Cas pulled into the parking lot, he was taken aback by it. It was large and vast, unlike any other school Castiel had been to before. Its lines were clean and simple, pretty in a way, unlike most of the schools he’d gone to. He was used to places with run down exteriors full of graffitied brickwork. But the glistening white stone standing tall against the blue morning sky was a nice change of scene. But as he stared in awe, he noticed that the last of students had filed into the building.  


_Great, the bell must have already rung_ , he realized as he shoved his keys into his pocket and reached for his bag. Cas shut the car door behind him, taking off at a sprint. Throwing open the doors, and pushing past the other straggling kids in the hallway, he tried to find his first period class. Cas quickly realized he wasn’t even sure what room he was looking for and he dug a crumpled up schedule out of the mess that was his backpack. Unfurling the edges, he read “American Literature, room 128, Mr. Fitzgerald.” He continued shoving through the crowd of students going in every which way until he found the room number.  


Once entering the room, he inhaled deeply and threw his bag to the ground and scooted into the first seat he saw. Exhausted from the morning chaos and even more so from staying up the night before, he could barely register what he was seeing.  


The man standing in the front of the classroom was rather lanky with espresso hair and frosty blue eyes. He had a bit of a scruff and wore a weathered baseball cap on his head.  


Cas’s new teacher addressed the class in a friendly tone, “My name is Mr. Fitzgerald, but you can call me Garth,”. He continued to give a basic briefing of what to expect during class to which Cas did not pay much attention for his brain was still playing catch-up. He was woken up only long enough to see Garth pull out a sock puppet that he called “Mr. Fizzles”. Although the teacher’s methods seemed a bit odd, Cas could tell he was a genuine and amiable person, and even though Cas would be embarrassed to admit so aloud, he rather liked the sock puppet, it reminded him of his own curious childhood habits.  


Cas continued to be mentally dead throughout all of Honors Biology with Mrs. Masters and Pre-Calculus with Mr. Roman. The teachers were okay, but they certainly weren’t his favorite subjects. Cas was relieved when the bell finally sounded for lunch. Because of his hurry to get out of the door, he’d forgotten about breakfast and Cas was starving. Up until the moment that he walked into the crowded cafeteria Cas had not considered that, being a new student to Brookside, he had no idea where to sit. He hadn’t talked with any of the other students yet today and a wave of anxiety washed over him. Cas’s gaze swept across all of the kids around him, seeing only unknown faces. One thing that he had learned from switching schools so often was that choosing the wrong group of people to sit with on the first day of class could lead to disaster. He peered around the heads of nervous freshmen and exhausted-looking seniors to see one empty table towards the back of the cafeteria. Keeping his eyes on his feet, Cas began making his way towards it. This was so embarrassing. Perhaps next time he could see if the library allowed students in during lunch periods.  


Just then, a voice called out from behind him, “Hey, you! New kid, we’re in Lit together, right?” Cas spun around to see a boy who he did in fact recognize from his class. His hair was a mixture of dark and light variations of brown in a styled fashion and he had gleaming blue eyes that stared with inquisitive familiarity at Castiel.  


“Come sit!”The boy inclined his head toward an empty place at a table full of chattering students. Cas was too relieved that he had found somewhere to sit to wonder why the kid would want to sit with him in the first place. Cas walked slowly over to the table and sat down beside him. The kid extended a hand in a way that seemed oddly formal, “The name is Balthazar,” the boy grinned.  


“Cas,” he replied, grasping Balthazar’s palm and shaking.  
Balthazar gestured over toward a girl with fair skin and dark red hair, “That’s Anna,” he added and the girl smiled politely at Cas, “and that’s Jo,” he said pointing to the tall, but reserved looking blonde at the other end of the table.  


“Nice to meet you, Cas,”Jo greeted warmly.  


Balthazar turned to him once more and asked “So, Cas, what brings you to Brookside?”  


“Well, my dad moves us around a lot because of his job, and I guess this was where he was most needed for the time being. I’ve been in this town for about a year now, but I before I went to a catholic school. It wasn’t really my thing. My brother Gabriel recommended this place to me, actually.”  


“Where was your last place?” Anna asked curiously.  


“We were living in Kansas for a while.”  


“Oh, really? I’ve always wanted to go there, you know The Wizard of Oz and all. You’ll have to tell me more about it some time. But anyway, what teachers do you have for the second half of the day?”  


He struggled to remember his schedule,“Well, let’s see I have Mrs. Harvelle’s Art History, Technology with Ms. Bradbury and Mythology last.”  


“Cool, we’re in tech together! Ms. Bradbury is really cool and she teaches you stuff the school probably wouldn’t allow.”  


“Really?” Cas was slightly shocked.  


“Yeah, rumor has it she’s hacked into the school’s mainframe at least seven times to allow access to different sites that they’ve banned. She’s not really into conventional rules. It’s a miracle she hasn’t been fired yet.”  


“Wow, that’s actually pretty awesome. I think I’ll really enjoy that class.”  


“Yeah, we should totally sit together.”  


“Oh, yeah,” Cas beamed hopefully, “ that sounds great!” Cas relaxed, realizing that he had nothing to worry about. It was only his first day, but he already seemed to be making friends. And he was glad he didn’t have to worry about where to sit at lunch either.  


Jo, who had stayed out of the conversation up until this point, piped up, “I have Mythology last too, but I doubt we’ll be sitting together, I’ve heard the teacher is a real hard ass and he won’t let us pick our own seats.”  


“Well that sucks,” Cas said frowning, “I’ve always rather liked mythology,” he added as the bell once again signified the ending of the period. He gave a small wave to his soon-to-be friends and pushed himself up from the table.  


He strolled through the hallway in a daze of post-lunch high. Everyone had been so kind and accepting, something that Cas wasn’t particularly used to being the youngest of all his siblings. He had two older brothers, Michael and Gabriel who always teased him and made light of his gullibility. He walked into Art History feeling monumentally better than he had felt that morning. Perhaps Cas had let his mood soar too soon, as he was now confronted with a stern looking woman at the front of the classroom.  


She looked down at him, “You’re late,” she huffed, “take your seat.” The teacher gestured towards an empty chair near the front of the room.  


“I’m sorry,” Cas stammered. Cas hadn’t realized just how long it had taken him to stroll back from the cafeteria. Next time he’d remember to keep a more brisk pace.  


The teacher’s furrowed brows relaxed and her brown eyes settled into a pitying look. “Well, it is your first day, Mr. Shurley. Just, don’t make a habit of it.”  


“Thank you ma’am,” he responded.  


She whipped her head back around to face him,“Let’s get one thing straight right now, I am no ma’am, you will refer to me as Mrs. Harvelle, you hear?”  


“Of course, sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you ma’— er, Mrs. Harvelle.”  


A boy sitting beside Cas snorted in laughter and he turned to glare at the kid until his confident smirk went away.  


As Cas left the classroom, Anna was waiting at the door for him. “So what’d you think?” she asked.  


“I think I got on her bad side,” Cas said with a gulp as they walked down the hallway.  


“Oh, you called her ma’am didn’t you?”she laughed, shaking her head and matching Cas’s pace.  


“How did you know?”  


“You learn pretty fast how much she hates that word. Plus she’s Jo’s mom, I’ve known her forever.”  


“You can’t be serious,” Cas’s eyes widened.  


“Well, where do you think Jo gets her attitude from? Well, I guess you wouldn’t really know yet... but anyway, you have a lot to learn. I’d be willing to catch you up if you want.”  


“Sure,” Cas said, looking down at his feet, a bit embarrassed. Changing his train of thought, he turned to her. “Hey Anna, who is that kid?” he questioned, motioning at the rude boy he had met earlier in class.  


“Oh, that’s Raphael. He can be a bit pretentious. He’s one of those goody goodies who always has to follow orders. It’s kind of weird actually. I don’t know, I’ve never really been a big fan, but I always seem to get stuck with him and his incompetence during...projects,” she said the last word almost as if there was a hidden meaning behind it. Cas decided he wouldn’t push the subject further. Pausing, Anna gestured toward the doorway. “This is the tech room. Charlie is super cool, you’ll like her.”  


“Charlie?”  


“Ms. Bradbury, she’s not one for formalities.”  


When Cas stepped into the classroom he was surprised to see a young, peppy- looking, red-haired woman wearing a Lord of the Rings t-shirt and jeans. She wouldn’t have looked too out of place with the students in Cas’s opinion.  


“Isn’t that against teacher dress code?” Cas queried.  


“Ms. Bradbury isn’t really a teacher per se, she’s really just a tech expert they hired to help with the computers and she worked her way up.”  


“I see,” Cas answered, turning his attention back to the not-really-teacher, “Isn’t that against the law? I mean, don’t teachers have to get certified?”  


“I wouldn’t look too much into it. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, am I right?”  


“I guess so…” Cas’s voice trailed off as he heard the teacher begin her speech.  


“Hey guys, welcome back! I know you aren’t psyched about school, why would you be, right? So I thought today since nobody really wants to do any work anyway, myself included, I’ll put on a movie, and if you don’t want to watch feel free to search the web or whatever. Consider it a free period.”Cas stared slight disbelief at what he was hearing. Of course he was glad, but no teacher had ever been so laid back on the first day of school.  


“Is she always like this?” he asked Anna.  


“Pretty much, just watch, I bet you anything it’ll be _Harry Potter_ for the nine hundredth time.”  


Cas could see Ms. Bradbury approaching him, he wasn’t sure what to expect until the jubilant red-head greeted him.  


“Hey I didn’t see you there, you must be the new student Castiel, right?”  


“Yes, but I prefer being called Cas.”  


“Oh, well Cas you can call me Charlie, and I will give you the walk through for the class tomorrow so you don’t miss out on the movie.” A smile spread across her face and she walked back over to her computer and got the video running. Sure enough, Anna was right and the _Harry Potter_ theme song filled the classroom. Cas took a deep breath in. He could learn to like it here.  


When class ended, Cas was disappointed. He loved the first Harry Potter movie and they had left just as it was starting to get good. Turning to him out of the blue while they fought their way through the crowded halls, Anna declared, “Hey, Cas, we should totally hang out sometime.”  


“Yeah, you seem really cool, I was actually pretty worried about my first day here, but you and Balthazar and Jo too, you’ve really made it so much easier. Thank you,” Cas stammered.  


“Well you’ve made it easy to like you. We should exchange phone numbers! You know, in case you need help,” she smiled shyly, grasping her arm with the opposite hand and looking a touch flushed.  


“Um sure, here let me write it down for you,” he replied, pulling a pen from his back pocket. Anna extended her hand towards him. Cas gave her a confused look. “I don’t understand, what are you doing?”  


“I don’t have any paper with me, so just, write it on my hand.”  


“Oh, um, okay,” he said, flustered as he scribbled the digits onto her palm. “I have to get to class, but we can talk tomorrow.”  


“Oh, sure, me too, see you then!” she called after him as he made his way down the hall and around the corner. He fished his schedule out of his backpack to find the room number.  


“One fifty two, one fifty two,” he said passing by each door. He read the numbers to himself. _One fifty eight, one fifty six, one fifty four…_ At last he spotted it, room one fifty two, the Mythology classroom.  


When he stepped over the threshold of the room, Cas felt a strange sense of comfort and belonging. He slinked into the room and sat at the desk adjacent to Jo, giving her a corner-of-the- mouth smile and then glanced forward to the front of the room. The teacher had his back to the class and was scribbling something in yellow chalk on the blackboard. When he stepped aside, Cas could read clearly the name printed on the board.  


“Mr. Winchester,” the words fell from Cas’s lips, barely audible. He didn’t know why, but somehow they felt all too familiar.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's a softy, honestly

Chapter 2- Dean  


His green eyes glinted with an assertive tone as he swept his gaze across the class of students before him. Most of them looked bored or exhausted. Dean hated having class the last period because the students seemed more interested in counting the floor tiles than his lesson. He felt like he had to pull teeth in order for them to answer any of the questions he asked. With a sigh, he began his spiel.  


“If you can’t read, my name is Mr. Winchester and I will be your mythology teacher for this year. Let’s clear some things up right off the bat so that there’s no confusion. This class is not something to take lightly. Every time you walk through that door, you will be fully dedicated and engaged to listening to what I have to say. Now I know most of you think that mythology is just something ‘cool’ to study, but let me tell you, it is no joke. You should take this class seriously. However, this does not mean that we can’t still have a good time. If you listen, follow directions, and aren’t a distraction, then we won’t have a problem. Basically, just don’t be a dick, okay?”  


At this, many of the kids snickered which resulted in Dean giving them a grueling look. They promptly shut up. Judging by the looks of this group, it was going to be a long year.  


“Now, I know you probably won’t like this, but I do have to assign seats.” The entire class didn’t try to hide their moans and grumbling.  


“However,”he continued over the noise,”It will only be temporary if I am able to assess this group as trustworthy and diligent individuals. So this is how it will work. I’ll call your names in alphabetical order and this will correspond to your row. If I believe that you have earned it, then I will allow you to choose your own seats in a few weeks time.”  


“Krissy Chambers” he began pointing to the first seat.  


The names seemed to fly by until the very end of the list as he looked down at one of the names on the sheet. Castiel Shurley it read. Shurley, he enunciated the surname in his mind, he knew that name.  


“Castiel Shurley,” he growled, this time reading the name aloud; gesturing to the last seat at the back of the classroom, “Any relation to Gabriel Shurley?”  


The tall boy with the black skinny jeans and the gray hoodie stood up, giving Dean a shy sideways glance he mumbled “Yes, he’s my brother.”  


Dean sighed, he knew Gabriel from his previous year of teaching. It’d been his first year as a teacher and Gabriel had been the kid in class who would crack jokes and interrupt the lesson. He also had an affinity for pulling pranks on the staff and students. One time he had tried putting a tack on Dean’s chair, luckily Dean had caught him in the act and sent him to the office. Yet looking at the boy in front of him, he was honestly shocked that Castiel could be related at all to his brother. They looked nothing alike. While Gabe was rather short and stocky, Castiel was much taller and leaner. Castiel had the most stunning, deep, pacific blue eyes Dean had ever laid eyes on while Gabriel’s were a rather underwhelming shade of hazel. However the most distinct feature to Dean’s observation was how Castiel had sleek-looking dark hair, the kind that just begged to have fingers ran through it,compared to his sibling’s soft golden- brown mop.  


Realizing he had been staring too long, Dean quickly averted his gaze and tried to recollect his thoughts. This proved to be a much more difficult task than he had hoped.  


Stuttering slightly, he began again. “Alright, now that that’s over with, we can do something a bit more fun.” He walked over to a tall circular stool and sat, perched on the edge with one foot resting on the first rung and the other firmly planted on the ground.  


“This is how it will work. I have all of your names here in this hat,” he said pulling a baseball cap off of the desk, “ I will choose three names from this hat and the student whose name I pull will be able to ask me any question about myself and I will answer it to the best of my ability. Let’s keep it appropriate though, people.” Most of the students still looked uninterested, but Dean could tell they were just relieved not to have to think much.  


Digging his hand around in the trench of names, he felt for a single piece of torn index card and withdrew the slip. Unfurling the paper, he read the name “Ruby” he called it out.  


A girl with flowing dark hair and brown eyes stood up from her seat, one of the few that actually seemed engaged, took a few steps forward. She started twirling her glittering red necklace around her fingers, pondering what question to ask. At last, her eyes lit up and she spun on her feet to face him. “Where did you go to high school?” she asked,seeming satisfied with her decision.  


“Honestly, too many places to count. My dad was constantly on the move going from job to job all across the country. My brother Sammy and I never stayed in one place for more than a few weeks. I can’t really remember the name of any of them because I never really cared.”  


He looked up and saw pity on the faces of all of the kids, at least those that hadn’t been sleeping, all of them but one. Castiel looked at him not with pity, but instead an air of understanding. His facial expression wasn’t a smile, nor a frown, just a grim yet soulful look which, for some reason, gave Dean a sense of comfort. Dean realized that this was recognition he saw. He returned the look with a sad smile and a slight nod before glancing back down at his hat of paper slips.  


Reaching his hand back into the cap, he pulled out a second piece of paper. “Joanna- Beth” he read and he saw a slim blonde girl walk to her place at the front of the room, the entire time never breaking eye contact with him.  


“You said you never cared about school,” she stated bluntly, “So why did you become a teacher?”  


Good question” he remarked. “Well I suppose it was because I felt that people needed to know the truth about the world, and the only way that they could know was if I told them, but you know how it is out there. No one wants to believe a guy like me. Not in this world of buttoned up suits and briefcases. I guess I was just too radical for them or something. But the young minds; the young minds have not been fully shaped yet; those are the only ones that can benefit from my help,” he finished.  


_God, what was that?_ , he chastised himself, _You sounded like some weird area 51 conspiracy theorist_. He shook his head and looked back down at the task before him.  


At this point most of the students were completely zoned out. They were checking their cellphones and drawing in their notebooks. But once again he was surprised when he looked over at Castiel, who had his full attention focused on Dean, adjusting the glasses on his face so that they no longer sat at the end of his nose. Dean couldn’t help but to smile. He looked like... _a fucking adorable nerd_ , his brain cut in for him. Perhaps he wouldn’t be like his brother.  


Again Dean extended his hand into the hat. But he didn’t even have to look at the paper to know what it was going to say. As he smoothed out the edges he said “Cas.”  


When Castiel stood up, he gave Dean a perplexed look and cocked his head to one side, squinting a bit. “You called me Cas,” he said quietly. “How did you know I liked being called Cas?”  


Dean blinked, also confused. He hadn’t even thought twice before saying it. He couldn’t explain it, but somehow it just fit. “Lucky guess,” he chuckled, trying to laugh off the awkwardness, but all the same shifted in his seat. “So, what’s your question for me?”  


Without a moment’s hesitation Cas blurted “Where are you from?” It was odd, to Dean it had sounded eager, almost desperate.  


“Kansas,” he replied, “Lawrence, Kansas.”  


With that, the bell rang and the students with expressions of great relief on their faces, all stood abruptly and began noisily filing through the door. Dean stayed behind in the now empty classroom. He walked over to the door to scan the hallway for lingering students before slinking to his filing cabinet and pulling open the bottom drawer. He grasped a wood and silver flask behind the file folders, unscrewed the cap, and downed the liquor inside.  


He gathered up his messenger bag and coffee mug and headed to his car. Drawing the keys from his pocket, he carefully unlocked the door to his 1967 Chevrolet Impala or as Dean liked to call it, his “Baby.” Sliding into the driver’s seat, he adjusted the rear view mirror and, in that split second, caught a glimpse of a tall, dark haired boy getting into a Lincoln behind him. He promptly shook his head and turned the keys in the ignition. As he pulled out of the parking lot, he realized that the radio wasn’t on, which was odd for Dean because he always listened to music, no matter where he went. Brushing it off, he turned to his favorite station and Led Zeppelin began blasting through the car speakers. He cranked the volume, tapping on the steering wheel and singing along.  


When he arrived home he was whistling and happily placed the keys in the tray by the door, making his way over to the kitchen. There he found Lisa cutting up an orange bell pepper to compliment the dinner she had prepared: steak, which happened to be one of Dean’s favorites. When she saw him she smiled, put down her knife, and turned around from the cutting board to put her arms around his neck. She stood on her tippy-toes and kissed him softly. He kissed her back leisurely, letting his lips glide from her mouth down to her neck. At this she pushed him off with a laugh and stood there for a moment staring up at him.  


“Hi,” she said in a small voice.  


“Hi,” he replied, laughing softly.  


She turned back to the pepper and continued chopping away. He turned from her and picked up the paper casually. “Hey, Hun, when does Ben get home today?”  


“Not until six, he has soccer practice today, remember?”  


“Right, sorry, I’m just distracted with having to go back to work and all”  


“Speaking of, how was your first day?”  


“Cas,” he mumbled, lost in thought. He kept picturing those unmistakably familiar eyes hidden behind dark glasses and the way he had tilted his head, Dean had sworn he’d seen it before.  


“What?” Lisa asked quizzically, shaking Dean from his temporary daze.  


“Good, I said good,” he said scratching his head and giving her a warm smile. _It’s nothing, let it go,_ he assured himself.  


“I’m glad,” Lisa replied, but her forehead wrinkled in concern nonetheless.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh goody, character development (aka sadness)

Chapter 3- Cas  


He walked into the door to his bedroom, and flopped onto the bed with a heavy sigh, reaching down to pick up a rubber ball from its reserved place on the floor. He began throwing it against the low-hanging ceiling and catching it on each rebound. Cas liked to do this whenever he had something on his mind. He bit his lip lower lip, pondering. Mr. Winchester had said that he was from Lawrence, Kansas. Cas thought this was strange because out of all the places he’d stayed over the past 17 years, Kansas had been the place that meant the most to him. Where he had lived wasn’t too far from Lawrence. He could still picture the big red house on the hill with the white picket fence and the metal rooster weathervane sticking up from the roof. He could picture his brothers arguing outside in the yard with its green grass and sloping hill and brawling until one had the other pinned to the ground with their face in the dirt. He remembered his dad cooking on the small black stove top and the smell of the delicious pot roasts in hints of bouillon and garlic that he was famous for. That had been the place he’d stayed the longest throughout his life. Almost two years spent there; and nothing had felt quite right since he left. Thinking back, he smiled thoughtfully. This had been the place that they had felt most like a family.  


Just then, he heard his cell-phone ringtone go off playing, “Carry on Wayward Son.” loudly enough to startle Cas. The ringtone was a sentimental reminder of the first concert he’d ever attended. He still had the now too small t-shirt hidden somewhere at the back of his closet. Turning to the sound, he stretched his arm across the bed to grab the phone and slid the green icon across the screen even though he didn’t recognize the number.  


“Hello?” he said, his voice tired.  
“Hi, Cas?,”greeted a familiar voice, “this is Anna. I was just calling to see how the rest of your day went.”  


“It was good, I think I’m gonna like it here,” he replied, smiling to himself.  


“I’m glad, that’s great! So how was Mythology? The teacher as tough as everyone says?”  


“Honestly, I thought it was really interesting. He let us ask him questions about himself to get to know him. Some of his policies seemed a little tough, but fair. I think, though, that the tough thing is all an act.”  


“You think so? Jo was saying he wasn’t too bad to look at either.”  


“Um, well…” he stammered, but he couldn’t quite object could he? He hadn’t given it much thought, but perhaps those green eyes might be charming to some and it was conceivable that the teacher’s strong jawline was regarded as attractive and maybe those plush lips could even be considered kissable, but not to him of course. He hadn’t noticed.  


“That’s okay; I know I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You probably don’t like thinking stuff like that about him.”  


“Yeah…”he whispered, trailing off. Of course he didn’t  


“So, um anyway, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out this weekend? You know, only if you’re free. Or if you don’t want to, that’s cool too,” she said with a twinge of sadness in her tone. “It’s just, you know, I thought it would be good if I could maybe show you around a bit since you’re new here, but of course, no obligation to do so—”  


“Anna,” Cas said, cutting off her rambling,“I’d love to.”  


“Oh, great! That’s great! Really great. I’m really excited!” she laughed uncomfortably.  


“Well I’m really sorry, but my dad just called for me to come to dinner, so I better go.” He wasn’t actually certain this was the case, but he had felt the conversation had taken an awkward tone and he wasn’t much in the mood to continue it, he had more important things to think about at the present.  


“Oh, of course, see you tomorrow!”  


Cas pulled the phone from his ear, smiling. Although he was tired and not wanting to talk at length, he thought it was cute that Anna would call just to check up on him. He was glad that he already had someone who cared so much. It was lonely with just his father around. Both of Cas’s brothers were older than him. Gabriel was shacked up in a second-rate apartment and had a job working as a janitor at a university that he should have been attending, but then again that wasn’t really Gabriel’s style. Michael on the other hand was a stately and successful businessman working for one of those monopolistic corporations, Cas could never remember which, he changed them so frequently. This meant that Cas was left at home alone with his father, who half of the time was not there. Today, however, was one of the good days when his dad had come home from work at 8:00pm instead of 3:00am.  


When Cas walked into the kitchen to sit down for dinner he stopped, puzzled at finding the room empty. On the table was a lone plate of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans with a yellow post-it note stuck on the wood beside it. He peeled the note from the table and read it aloud to himself:  


_**Dear Cas,**_  
_**I had to run to the store to grab a few things.**_  
_**Don’t wait up. Will be back before 10:00**_  
_**-Dad**_  


Sighing deeply, he pulled out the lone chair and sat down, stuffing a bite of the now cold potatoes into his mouth and resting his chin on his hand. All of his elation from the previous hours seemed to melt away and left only a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach. He felt weak and terrified and was unsure why. Maybe he was missing his brothers. Maybe he was upset his father had not even spoken a word before leaving. Perhaps it was just exhaustion. It was times like these when Cas wished he had a mother to comfort him. Then he wouldn’t be alone when his dad had to leave, and when he got like this there would be someone to hold him. But Cas had never known his mother and his dad refused to talk about her. She was just an idea of a person to Cas, a mere figment of his imagination. Throwing his fork down and hearing it clatter against his plate he ran his fingers through his hair and screamed in exasperation. He slid off of the chair, falling to his knees on the hard floor. Tears came unbidden, and Cas found himself shaking silently. He couldn’t explain the feeling that had washed over him other than the fact that it was one of pure hopelessness. After what seemed like a long time he pushed himself up from the ground and wiped the tears from his face. He once again sat at the small round table in solitude and shoveled the remnants of his meal into his mouth.  


It was then that Cas thought of Mythology class and managed a smile. Maybe this year would be better. He hoped so.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is clumsy

Chapter 4- Dean  


“Dean!” called Lisa from the bottom of the stairs, “Dean! Hurry up!”  


At the top of the stairs appeared the tall figure with hair still damp from his shower and dressed in his much more casual weekend clothes, which consisted of a black t-shirt, jeans, and an army green coat. He slowly stumbled down the staircase, trying to shake off his lethargy. Dean flashed Lisa a warm smile  


“You tired?” she asked pityingly  


“Does it show?” he sighed, but his look of dismay soon gave way to a wry smile.  


She brushed off his question with a laugh and took his hand, leading him out the front door. Lisa refused to let Ben ride in the Impala, something about it being unsafe and Dean not taking the speed limit seriously enough, so instead Dean opened the passenger door of Lisa’s silver minivan. Looking back at Ben he gave him a soft smile and a look of regret. He knew Ben wanted to be up right now about as much as he did, and where they were going didn’t exactly help the matter. Yet upon seeing the excitement on Lisa’s face and he simply couldn’t let her down. He would never understand why mothers got so excited for outings of this kind.  


The drive was a short one and when Lisa pulled into the parking lot, Dean could see that it was already beginning to fill up with cars despite the fact that it was only 8 o’clock in the morning, they must not have been the only one’s to have this idea. He supposed it was a good thing Lisa had gotten them up so early, otherwise they would have most likely been standing in much longer lines. They opened the doors to the building and immediately Lisa took off in a direction, determined to take advantage of all of the sales and so they followed her lead.  


Since Ben had also gone back to school this past week, Lisa felt he needed a new wardrobe, even though the adamant Ben had said he was fine with what he had, but both he and Dean knew that when his mother got an idea in her head it was no use trying to change her mind.  


The first store on her list was Hollister. Dean generally hated the place because of its tendency to plaster their logos and name all over their clothing in giant letters. Although he had to admit, it did have an appealing scent, a mixture of floral and citrus. When they entered, Dean began to fumble his hands over the many garments on the display tables disinterestedly. When he looked up, he saw Lisa holding up a polo shirt to Ben to try to determine if it would fit him while Ben gave Dean the “Please help me” look. Dean knew that Ben’s style more closely resembled his own when he was younger and that he wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a polo shirt. Too bad Lisa had other opinions of what was “suitable.”  


Combat boots with faded jeans, a tee shirt, and an oversized jacket had always been more his fashion. The jacket he most often wore had belonged to his father and when Dean was small, he had always dreamed of filling that jacket. Now as a grown man, it still wasn’t quite right, but all the same he didn’t dare part with it. He was saddened that the profession he had chosen frowned upon wearing such attire to work. Even now he still did not feel comfortable wearing the button down shirts with ties and dress pants. He cherished the weekends when he was able to feel like his old self.  


In that moment, Dean caught sight of something. Someone, actually. Startled, Dean took a step backward, causing him to bump into the manikin in front of him and made a rather ungraceful connection with the floor, bringing the manikin down with him.  


“Dean, Dean, are you alright?” Lisa called, running up to him worriedly.  


“Yeah, I’m good, I’m fine,” he replied, getting back on his feet and shaking his head then turning to stand the manikin upright. Why had he gotten so flustered? Even if it was who he thought, why did that matter? Should he really have been so shocked to see him in a place like this? When Dean finally glanced up again he could see him still standing there, over by the jeans, but now his eyes were in direct contact with his own.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nervous? Not so much anymore...

Chapter 5- Cas  


It was unmistakable. Cas had just witnessed his new Mythology teacher crash to the ground in the middle of a Hollister. _What is he doing here?_ Cas thought, _Why did he fall?_ Then Cas recalled something. He had been observing as the broad-shouldered man had toyed at the display shelves. In his fascination, Cas had inched forward, feigning interest in the jeans on a table further back, but he had slipped up. He had gotten too close and though he tried he could not turn his head fast enough. For a brief moment, their gazes had seemed to brush one another's, as two shoulders would in passing. Cas’s face had been so hot with embarrassment that he didn't dare raise his line of sight until he had heard the thud. _Was he…? No, he couldn’t have been. But, was he… looking at me?_  


Now as he watched his teacher get up, Cas could see him staring intently back. He looked as if he had wanted to say something with his deep green gaze, but he then turned his head away and started nodding to a pretty woman behind him who then grabbed his face and gave him a tender kiss. As Cas looked on he could feel himself, for some reason become disheartened and almost turned back to the jeans, until he noticed something about Mr. Winchester. As he was kissing what Cas assumed was his wife, he saw a worried look on his face, it couldn’t be possible, but he could have sworn that the man wanted to escape that kiss. He knew it was just wishful thinking. But what did he wish?  


Cas shook his head, knowing that he was overanalyzing the situation. He had already seen much more into his teacher’s personal life than he had wanted to. Cas couldn’t help thinking _Dean, she had called him Dean_. He couldn’t suppress the grin that spread across his face at hearing this. _I rather like that name, Dean. It suits him so well._  


“Dean,” Cas heard himself whisper. He immediately clamped a hand over his mouth. _Why did you say that? What if he heard you?_ The grin wouldn’t subside. The name fell so effortlessly upon his lips  


He couldn’t be thinking about things like this. He had made himself so utterly confused. He began to rifle through the jeans again, but he had become disinterested. His mind kept distracting him from his actions  


_Dean, Dean, Dean it called._  


Cas tried to ignore it. Why did he care what his Mythology teacher’s name was? He didn’t even know his teacher. He’d been in school for all of three days.  
But again, his mind persisted _**Dean, Dean, Dean.**_  


In an attempt to shake the thought from his head, Cas then took out his phone and saw that he had missed a message from Anna. He knew that she was his friend and all, but somehow he was disappointed that the message was from her and not from someone else. He felt as though he was waiting on a reply, but not from Anna. Shouldn’t he be excited to be getting a text from his new friend? But who else would you want to text you? You haven’t made any other friends at school besides Jo and Balthazar.  


_**Dean, Dean, Dean**_ it now screamed in his brain.  


Cas covered his ears in a feeble attempt to block out the sounds in his mind, but to no avail. He turned away from the jeans, deciding that he would not be able to think straight while he was still there and attempted to head out of the store. He was walking so quickly and nervously, only looking down at his feet that he did not realize someone was in front of him until he collided into them. What about this store made people collide into things? Perhaps it was the dim lighting. Yes, the dim lighting, that was certainly it.  


Cas began slowly raising his gaze beginning at the worn leather combat boots upward to a pair of faded boot cut jeans with a dark brown leather belt. Further up he saw a black t-shirt worn in a tightly fit manner, showing off firm muscles underneath. Traveling upward still, his eyes met a golden amulet of what looked like some sort of obscure and tribal- looking head. His gaze finally stopped when he met a pair of warm green eyes, looking at him in a puzzled and concerned fashion.  


This time Cas’s mind began blaring sirens of _**Dean, Dean, Dean.**_  


Dean gave Cas a sort of half smile and a nervous looking wave before looking down at his feet in an angry manner, seeming to be internally scolding himself. Finally he managed to regain his ability to speak and stammered “Are you alright, Cas?”  


_Cas, oh god he did it again, he called me Cas. Wait, why do you care? Oh god, pull yourself together!_  


“Er, I’m fine, Dea—- er, Mr. Winchester,” Cas murmured. He was so embarrassed. This was not how he had wanted his first impression to be with Dean, as some clumsy fool who barreled into their Mythology teacher without even looking.  


“So, uh, what brings you here?” Dean asked.  


Cas was so distracted by his mental shaming of himself that he hadn’t realized that the question had been directed at him until he felt Dean’s stare boring into him.  


“Oh, I was just, shopping for some new jeans, what about you?”  


“My kid, well my girlfriend’s kid, she think he needs new clothes for school so we took a shopping trip. I don’t normally go in places like this,” he claimed, waving his arm in a gesture as if to say it was too feminine for his taste. After a long pause, he began again, “Anyway, how are you liking your classes so far?”  


“They’re pretty cool, everyone seems fairly kind and it seems to be going well I suppose.”  


Just as Cas said that, he could feel himself beginning to get dizzy and he reached out to one of the shelves to balance himself. His heart was hammering so fast and so urgent against his chest he thought that if he didn't reign it in, it might escape him. His vision began to blur and the sounds around him faded.  


“Cas, Cas!” he heard a husky voice call as he regained consciousness. He was cradled in strong arms and when his eyes fluttered open he could see the curve of the pronounced and now clenched jaw bone of the man hunched over him filled with worry.  


“What, what happened?” Cas spluttered.  


“You fainted, are you alright?” Dean asked in a concerned tone.  


“Yes, I’m okay, thank you, for…for catching me.”  


Cas’s mind was on fire. He felt so utterly perplexed at the situation. On one hand, he wanted to run away and hide, never to be seen again because of the sheer embarrassment of it all. But the more nagging sensation was that he didn’t want to leave these strong and secure arms. There was something so comforting about being held like this. He knew it was stupid, but it was nice and when he looked up at Dean again, he could tell he didn’t mind it either. At least he thought. Maybe that was a mistake too.  


“Yeah of course, no problem,” Dean said, jerking Cas back to reality as he was slowly let down. He was disappointed when the warmth of Dean’s touch had left him. It seemed so much colder to be apart from his body.  


_Why do I feel like this? What is going on with me? **Dean, Dean, Dean.**_  


“Well, I should go, I have to get back to my family, but it was nice seeing you again. Looking forward to class on Monday.” although he wore a smile, Cas could tell there was sadness, disappointment even, behind it.  


Something gripped Cas. Maybe it was that sullen, pleading look or the way that Dean’s shoulders had slumped, but he knew he couldn’t just let Dean walk away. He couldn’t just end this here. As Dean began to turn from him, Cas rested a hand on his left shoulder. “Dean,” he whispered, “Please, don’t go.”  


Dean looked him up and down for a moment. Studying Cas’s every feature with a close precision. Cas could see mild surprise there, but there was something else. A spark of wonderment lit his eyes.  
Suddenly a feeling came over Cas and it was as if something else was controlling his actions. The once timid and shy teenager who was quiet for all his life gave way to something primal. He conceded to the look, to his desire, and cast away his doubts. It was time he gave Dean the adventure that his gaze begged for. He grasped at Dean’s shirt, pulling him closer and with a newly- found sense of strength, pinned him against the wall.  


What have I done? What am I doing? But Cas’s thoughts were silenced by the overwhelming want that washed over him. He could see Dean’s eyes brighten in a way they never had before. There was a hunger in them. They were urging him to proceed.  


Cas laid one hand on Dean’s chest, feeling how firm it was and the other on his waist. At this point Dean had completely given in to the sensation and took Cas’s head by the back of his neck and pulled it in so that their lips met. Cas could feel his lips part to receive Dean’s tongue and let it explore his mouth. Dean began weaving his free hand through Cas’s soft, dark hair. The touch, the taste, the blood coursing through his veins, it was almost unbearable, but yet it was the most alive Cas had ever felt. Cas smiled as he pulled back, seeing Dean’s expression of shock and confusion, but his expression fell and hardened. Only moments before he had been so willing to give himself fully to whatever it had been, but now Dean’s body was stone: stiff and cold and unforgiving. He pushed Cas to his side and walked through the double doors. The sound reverberated around the hollow room as the door slammed behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret? Maybe not.

Chapter 6- Dean  


_What have I done?_ These were the only words that could stick in Dean’s mind. He had never before believed that he was attracted to men, but this was something completely different. Cas was something completely different. In all honesty, Dean had never been one for commitment until he had met Lisa and Ben. He was the type that would go from girl to girl, never staying in a relationship for long, but they were the ones who had made him want to change. They made him finally want to settle down and start a life, and he had for the past two years. So why did Dean feel the need to screw everything up now?  


Cas. Cas was a different story. Dean had just met him, and yet he had felt some sort of odd connection from the moment he spotted him sitting there at the back of the classroom. There was something just knowing about Cas. Something understanding that didn’t need to be communicated through words. But to Dean, the oddest thing about Cas was that from the instant he saw him, even though Cas had looked rough and tired on his first day, Dean could not take his eyes off of him. He would have never admitted it to himself at the time, but Dean had thought about how gorgeous Cas was. No, that wasn't right. He wasn't gorgeous, he was just...interesting. Yes, that was it.  


To say the least, when Cas had pulled him in, Dean had felt strange, but not in a bad sort of way. There was something so alluring and utterly unlike anything he had felt with Lisa, or with any woman for that matter. _So, does this mean I’m gay? Oh god, this isn’t what I signed up for_. His heart was beating wildly and he paced back and forth in a state of his confusion. _No, no, pull it together, you aren’t gay, you just got caught up in it. You were confused._ But no matter how hard he tried, nothing Dean said to himself could put his mind at rest.  


He had walked away from Cas. He had pushed him off. And it had taken everything Dean had to do so. He had wanted to stay in that moment for longer, but then his mind had gone to Lisa. His mind went to his family. His mind went to his job. He couldn’t do this to them, even if he wanted to, he had too much to lose. Why would he want to?  


He strolled over to Lisa and Ben, who were now finishing up at the register and purchasing a bunch of clothes that he knew Ben would never wear. He came up from behind Lisa and put his arms around her waist, craning his neck around; he gave her a delicate kiss on the cheek. He wanted himself to be reminded of why he had stayed with Lisa, of what they had.  


“Oh, there you are!” she exclaimed, startled at the unexpected interaction. “Where did you go? We finished our shopping without you.”  


“I’m sorry, but I actually ran into one of my students and I started talking with him.”  


“Oh, really, is he still here? I’d love to meet him!”  


“No, no, I think he left,” Dean replied hastily.  


“Oh, that’s a shame. What’s his name?”  


“Uh, Cas, Castiel; His name is Castiel.”  


“Huh, unique, but nice. Is he a good student do you think?” Although her words were warm, her forehead wrinkled as if she was trying to place something.  


“Yeah, he seems to like…the class.”  


Lisa just gave Dean a smile. Dean’s face sank. _How could you have done this to Lisa? I mean you love her, don’t you? And what if this gets out? It could cost me my job, or worse…_ However hard he tried, he could not relight that feeling within him. The one that had made him choose her. He looked at her now, but it was as if he was seeing a portrait of some past life. What just days before had been his whole world felt like a distant, fading memory.  


When they arrived home from the mall, Ben announced that his friend had called and that he was planning to spend the night there. Lisa smiled and nodded, saying it was a good idea for him to go. Soon Dean saw a car pull into the driveway and Lisa was waving at the parents and shutting the door behind her. Turning to Dean, a devilish grin crept across her face.  


Sweeping across the room, she took his face in her hands and kissed his lips passionately. Dean grinned and took her in his arms, holding onto her tightly.  


“Dean, are you alright?” Lisa asked, looking concerned.  


“I just, I don’t want to lose you,” he said, beginning to shake. He had never felt so unsure of himself in his life. Lisa held him tighter and Dean buried his face into her shoulder.  


“You don’t have to worry, I’m right here. I’m always going to be right here,” Lisa whispered in his ear. Then she stepped back, ascending onto the staircase and extended a hand to Dean. He gently took it and followed as she led him up the staircase. He knew what she planned, perhaps this would put his mind at rest. Once they entered the bedroom, she threw him down on the bed and began trying to remove his shirt.  


Dean looked up at Lisa’s face and one thought drifted across his mind. _Cas, Cas, Cas,_ it said. Ignoring it, Dean began planting his lips on her neck in small, delicate kisses. He wouldn't succumb to it, he couldn’t. Lisa took him by the waist.  


_**Cas, Cas, Cas,**_ the voice said again. Lisa began tracing her hands across his now bare chest, working her way down to his belt. Dean started tousling her long, dark hair, but as he did it, it wasn't her hair he imagined. He was taken back to the dimly lit room, the sweat, and the soft feeling as he’d caressed each short strand upon the boy’s head.  


_**Cas, Cas, Cas,**_ the voice moaned.  


“Lisa, Lisa, we need to stop,” Dean said brokenly. He’d tried. He didn't understand it.  


“Honey, what’s wrong?”  


“I just I can’t, not tonight, I’m sorry babe.”  


“Why not?” she asked, still with a mischievous grin on her face.  


_Because_ , he thought, but what could he say? He knew why. He couldn’t fathom it, but he knew why. It pounded against his eardrums,fighting to be heard. _**Cas, Cas, Cas.**_  


“I’m sorry,” he muttered, “I just can’t.”  


Lisa’s face looked hurt, but she nodded, turning away and sitting up. She then rose from the bed and made her way down the stairs. Dean felt badly, but he knew that there was nothing he could do right now to make her feel better, or himself for that matter.  


He let it wash over him. There was no use in raising arms against it. It had won. It sang its victory cry. _**Cas, Cas, Cas.**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More problems. Why did I say that his luck turned around?

Chapter 7- Cas  


Cas stood there shaking. He was in awe of what had just happened, but mostly, he wanted to sink to his knees right there in the middle of the store and cry. Why had Dean left him? Why had been led to feel so close and then in an instant, have it ripped from him?. Had it all been a lie? Had Dean just been messing with me?  


He wasn’t sure what to think, he just knew that he didn’t want to be here. He slowly began walking away from the spot where he had stayed standing for ten minutes after, unable to even raise his head from its fixed spot on the paneled floor. Dean had left. He put the hood up on his gray sweatshirt so that he could hide his face in case he ran into Dean and his family walking to his car. He kept his head down until he had safely made it out of the store. He could feel his heart shattering piece by piece with every step he took. Cas couldn’t take it any longer and made a mad dash through the exit doors of the mall and didn’t stop until he reached his car. When he was finally seated in the driver’s seat, he turned the key in the ignition, just enough so that the radio would turn on; cranking the volume while he let the tears run down his face.  


_How could I have been so stupid? Why did I do that? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._ These thoughts hounded his mind as the series of events began to sink in. He had little time to dwell, just then being jarred from his state of shock and sadness by the all too familiar opening lines of “Carry on Wayward Son.”  


Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Looking at the caller I.D. he saw that it was Anna. He had completely forgotten that he was supposed to be here at the mall to meet her. Inhaling deeply, he pressed the green button.  


“Hey, Anna, I’m sorry I know I’m late, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Cas managed to say as he wiped the tears from his eyes and checked his face in the mirror. He was looking dreadful, but hopefully Anna wouldn’t care to notice. Anyway, his glasses helped to conceal the blotchiness of his eyes.  


“No worries, I saved us a table in the café. See you soon!” she exclaimed, hanging up the phone.  


_You can do this Cas, you’re strong. Just get through the day. Maybe Anna can distract me from…_ he thought to himself. Giving his head a shake and smoothing down his hair from when Dean had ruffled it, he pushed himself out of the car, closing the door behind him.  


When he arrived in the café, he saw Anna waving him over, grinning. He feigned a smile back and sauntered over to where she was seated. She had already ordered a coffee and was sipping at it periodically. When she noticed Cas looking at her drink, she looked up apologetically saying “I’m sorry, I would’ve ordered you something, but I don’t know what you like.”  


“Oh it’s fine, but thank you” Cas responded waving over the waitress to take his order. “Could I get a chocolate espresso please?” Cas asked her, not managing to meet her eyes doing so and she politely nodded her head and went off to grab it for him. As she walked away, she turned back, flashing him a smile, but he barely even noticed it. He couldn’t register anything, not after what he’d been through today.  


A sullen expression suddenly sunk over Anna’s face while she redirected her gaze down at her coffee. Cas saw this and he touched her arm comfortingly. It was the least he could do to try not to be so distant “Hey, is everything okay with you?”  


“Yeah, everything's just fine now,” she said, and with slight hesitation, she leaned in towards Cas, but before he could realize what was going on, she planted a soft kiss on his startled lips. His head began spinning and before he could think clearly he pulled back, standing up automatically. His eyes began to fill with panic and hurt. This wasn’t what he had wanted. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t do this, especially now. All he had wanted was a friend to console him, but now it seemed that even this was not possible.  


“I’m so sorry,” Anna’s saffron green eyes began to mist; “I read it wrong, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that. God, I feel so stupid.” Putting a hand over her face she grabbed her bag and began to get up from her seat. “I’m sorry, I’ll go,” she sputtered.  


“No, Anna, please, don’t,” Cas begged, “really, it’s okay, I understand. Please just sit back down. I should explain some things to you anyway.”  


Reluctantly, she returned to her seat and threw her purse over the chair once again, but not making eye contact with Cas the entire time. “It’s just…” she looked up, briefly meeting Cas’s gaze, “is there…is there something wrong, with me?”  


Cas had never felt more terrible in his life. Anna had only been nice to him and he wished he could have returned her feelings. There was certainly nothing wrong with her, she was a beautiful girl, but Cas just wasn’t attracted to her in that way. “No, Anna, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You aren’t the problem. You’ve been so kind to me, I wish that I could be the person to make you happy in that way, but… the truth is—“  


“No, trust me, I get it. I’m never good enough for anybody, it’s okay, you don’t have to pretend. I’m not sure why I expected it to be better this time. It’s just that you were the new guy and I thought that this might finally be my chance, but I was wrong.”  


That remark stung Cas in a way that seeped its venom into the deepest parts of him. Her bitterness tainting the blood that ran through his very veins. This time when she lifted herself from the café chair, Cas could tell she was not coming back, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. As she walked away from him he couldn’t help but to feel completely hopeless.  


_Great, this is the second relationship you’ve completely ruined today._


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pining. Lots of it.

Chapter 8- Dean  


With much reluctance, Dean rose from his place in the bed beside Lisa, taking a deep breath in. Dean always put on a mask, an air that he was brave and tough and strong, but the thought of going in today, after what he had done? Nothing terrified him more. Stepping into the bathroom, he turned the handle of the faucet on to the hottest setting and watched the water beam from the shower head as he peeled off the clothes from the previous night. He let himself become submerged in the steaming cascade of droplets, not caring that it was too hot. He allowed it to scald his face as he ran his fingers through his hair, drenched in shampoo and lathered away at his guilt. Guilt not just for what he had done to Lisa, but for what he had done to Cas too. He had been unfair to him. There were better ways he could have handled that situation and he should have taken that responsibility. As the adult, as the teacher, that was his job.  


He remained there much too long, lost in thought until he heard a knock at the door. Footsteps ambled over to the shower door and pulled it aside. Lisa’s face was full of anxiety.  


“Dean, what are you doing? You’re going to be late!”  


“Shit,” he mumbled as he pushed open the bubbled glass, grabbed the fresh white towel from the rack, and quickly dried himself off. Lisa stepped aside to let him out of the bathroom and into the adjoining bedroom.  


“Do you need me to get anything for you?” Looking him up and down she added, “Maybe some aloe? You looked burned.”  


“No, trust me, I’m fine, but it would be helpful if you could you grab me my tie from downstairs and get my lunch out of the fridge.”  


“Okay” she said with a disbelieving look gracing her face. All the same, she hurried away down the staircase to grab his things.  


Meanwhile Dean was pulling on a pair of smoky gray dress pants and buttoning up a white collared shirt. Lisa returned with the blue and green striped tie and a paper bag containing Dean’s sandwich. He quickly looped the tie around his neck, but Lisa’s fingers interjected his motions, working to pull it tightly through its loop so that it stayed flat against his chest, grinning at her work.  


“Thank you” he muttered into her ear and bending to kiss her on the forehead, again, feeling nothing. Sullenly he turned heading down the stairs and grabbed his keys from the table in the foyer before closing the front door behind him.  


Pulling out of his driveway, he took off down the road, only to be held back two minutes later when greeted by a bright red stoplight. While he had the chance, Dean flipped through his tapes— his car was too old to take CDs— finally resting on Kansas. His brother always berated him for liking them because they weren’t really Dean’s typical hard rock band, especially not their song “Dust in the Wind”, but Sammy wasn’t here to harp on him and so Dean inserted the tape and cranked up the volume as the opening lines came on.  


Tapping his thumbs against the still red stoplight he began singing along.  


“Once I rose above the noise and confusion...”  


The stoplight finally turned green and he once again took off toward the school  


“Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion…”  


Turning onto the road of the school, he had now completely lost himself to the song. In times of his distress, he just needed some music to wash away everything.  


“I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high...”  


When he had finally pulled into his parking space, the song had reached its chorus and Dean was practically screeching out the lyrics. This was his comfort.  


“Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don’t you cry no more,” he howled at the top of his lungs.  


Realizing how loud he had cranked his music, Dean looked around to see several heads turned in his direction. He then gave an embarrassed little wave as the others began to circulate around the parking lot again. When he had thought everyone had gone, he finally got out of his car. Now that he was standing, he could see there was one lonely soul whose blue eyes were fixed on him and whose face showcased a massive grin. The figure quickly turned to open the doors of the school and hurry inside once he realized that Dean had seen him looking. At this, Dean could not help but to let a small smile of his own stretch across his face as color rose to his cheeks. All too quick it fell from his face. How could he be happy after what he had done to the poor boy?  


Remembering that he was late, he swiftly gathered up his things and headed in. He made it to his classroom just as the last bell was ringing. Most of the students had already assembled in the room with their notebooks open and pens out ready to begin the lesson. He smiled apologetically at the class before heaving his shoulder bag onto the chair beside his desk.  


“Oh you won’t be needing those today,” he said, gesturing towards the notebook that a girl in the front had open. “Oh no, today is your favorite day. You’ll be taking a pretest.”  


At once there was a simultaneous moan escaping from every mouth in the room. Each student shared exasperated looks with one another.  


“I know, I know, if it were my choice I would never administer these things; they’re pointless. But try telling that to admin when you don’t even have tenure. They think it’s important to ‘track your progress.’”  


Class after class, Dean watched the students struggle through the 60 question multiple choice tests. It wasn’t fair to judge kids on information that they had yet to even learn. He was constantly staring down at his watch and was disappointed with how little time had gone by, but at the same time was hoping that it would slow down even more. In truth, he was dreading the end of the day. He didn’t want to have to confront him and pretend that nothing had ever happened. _I’m not strong enough for that. How can I even look at him?_  


Dean swallowed down his thoughts and tried to convince himself that it was only a mistake. _But you know better than that, Dean,_ he thought to himself.  


His thoughts were interrupted by the bell signifying his lunch break. He let out a sigh of relief, grabbing the paper baggie from his desk and heading to the teacher’s lounge. When he entered the room, he walked over to the table where his friends Charlie and Garth were seated. They smiled up at him, unable to speak due to the food temporarily occupying their mouths. He pulled out a chair and sat across from them, extracting his turkey, lettuce, and cheese sandwich from the bag and sure enough, a travel sized bottle of aloe gel. Putting aside the bottle, he grabbed for the sandwich and closed his teeth around the fresh wheat bread. He let out an audible hum of approval at the flavor, to which Charlie glanced over at him and rolled her eyes.  


Swallowing her food, she questioned, “Dean how are your classes going this year?”  


“They’re fine I guess, I haven’t really gotten a feel for them yet. I’m pretty sure I’m not their favorite though, I just gave out a pretest to all of my classes on the fourth day of school.”  


“Aww, no one could ever hate you Dean, you’re just a big ole’ teddy bear,” Garth said, ruffling Dean’s hair. Dean gave him a glare of annoyance and pushed his hand away. Laughing, Charlie took a sip of her chocolate milk.  


“So do either of you have that new kid in your classes?” Charlie asked.  


“Oh you mean Castiel? Yeah he seems pretty cool,” Garth responded.  


“And he’s super smart too. Generally new students fall behind in my class; I mean they need to learn how to use all of the different types of software, but as soon as I showed him the basics, he caught up and surpassed most of the other kids in the class. When I asked him if he uses computer software a lot, he told me he’s never dealt with it before. I don’t know how the kid was able to do it, but he must have been born with a special gift or something.”  


“That’s incredible, Charlie, what about you Dean, do you know him?”  


“I— err yeah, I know him. I mean, well, he’s in my seventh period class. But I don’t really know him, not yet anyway. I mean do we ever really get to know our students? We never see them out of school, not intentionally anyway of course.” He realized he was just digging himself a deeper hole. He had said too much already and now he could see the confused and slightly concerned expressions that rested on his colleagues’ faces. Luckily, there wasn’t much time before the lunch bell rang, stirring Dean from his place and saving him from any further embarrassment. “Well looks like I’ve got more classes to teach, I’d better go,” he said taking off hurriedly.  


He just had to get through one more class before the inevitable happened. And it seemed to Dean that he had simply blinked his eyes, and the last class was now filing in, taking their seats and Dean had no idea what had occurred in the last hour and ten minutes. At the sight of his face, Dean’s palms began to sweat and he averted his gaze. But no matter how hard Dean tried, he could not calm himself. Even just knowing that Cas was in this very same room made him feel on edge. He found himself stumbling over his words when giving the instructions for the test. He then went around to each student to pass out their tests and when he finally reached Cas, his hands were shaking so badly that he almost dropped his paper.  


He could see in Cas’s eyes a look of pure concern. Not hate or hurt or annoyance. Concern. He stared back for just a few seconds longer than he should have, expression full of wonderment. When he did finally drop his gaze and turn away, he could feel his heart sink just a little bit. _You can’t seriously be considering this!? Goddamnit you have Lisa and Ben to think about, but his thoughts began to change direction without his consent. I bet you he looks spectacular underneath that hoodie… No, no, no, what the hell has gotten into you? He’s 17! You can’t think that way about him Dean, you just can’t._  


He ran his fingers through his hair and worried his lower lip, but when he turned back to face the class, he could still see Castiel’s eyes staring at him intently. Cas quickly turned his gaze back to the pretest, but Dean could tell that Cas couldn’t focus any better than he himself could.  


He remained at his desk, eyes wandering over the class, but always finding their way back to Cas until at last the period had reached its end and the students began to pack up their things, turning in their tests. The final bell rang and he watched as they filed out one by one, all of them except Cas, who slowly and awkwardly dawdled over to where Dean was seated.  


“Dean, we need to talk, about what happened” Cas murmured, trying to keep his voice low, but not doing a very good job at it. Dean could observe that it was not until now that Cas had let the pain show in his eyes and it broke Dean further to think of what he had to do next.  


“Go home, Cas,” Dean replied gruffly, and without another word, swept past Cas and out the door, leaving him standing there alone in the empty classroom.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas's night out. You don't want to miss this one.

Chapter 9- Cas  


Cas was extremely reluctant about this idea, but Balthazar had insisted he come along with him and Jo. He had invited Anna too, but Balthazar was too oblivious to see that they were barely speaking to one another during lunch and how Anna would never meet Cas’s gaze when they did. It was safe to say she wouldn’t be showing up this evening. He had been texting her for the whole week, trying to apologize, but she made it clear that she was going to put him through hell instead. Cas had just decided that she would need time and hopefully she would come around, but in the meantime, he needed to loosen up and take his mind off things for a while. His friends had seen that he was in a state of funk and had planned a surprise night out that they claimed “He would never forget.” Cas was skeptical of this idea too.  


He glanced up at himself in the bathroom mirror. He had chosen a pair of blue skinny jeans and one of his favorite t-shirts, gray, with the letters ACDC scrawled in red across his chest with a lightning bolt dividing the acronym in half. He fixed his hair so that it looked a little messy, like he might have just woken up from a nap; after all it fit with the look. His primping was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing at the front of the house. He went hastily to fetch the door open and was met by a bright flash of white teeth and Jo’s lustrous blonde curls.  


“Hey there, sport, well don’t you look...uh…” Jo trailed off looking him up and down. Cas swallowed hard, noticing what Jo was wearing. She had on a tight-fitting black dress with iridescent black sequins lining it’s sweetheart neckline and a pair of sparkly black pumps to follow suit.  


“Oh god, I’m underdressed aren’t I? I wish Balthazar had told me what this was, I’d have been better prepared for the occasion.”  


“Cas, Cas, slow down. It’s okay, we can fix this,” she stated matter-of-factly. She didn’t wait to be invited inside, but instead pushed past Cas into the house and followed the narrow corridor until she happened upon his bedroom.  


“I— err, I’m sorry I never had time to clean. I wasn’t really expecting for anyone to be in here.” She payed his shameful apology no mind and went directly to the closet, pulling out shirt after shirt and throwing them down onto the bed. All Cas could do was gape at the sheer mess she was creating, but did not interject for fear of sounding ungrateful for her help. Finally her hands rested on the one white button down shirt that he owned and began rooting around in the drawers of his dresser finding a pair of black dress pants, a belt to match, and a blue tie.  


“Do you have any suit jackets?” she questioned.  


“What is this, some sort of black-tie event? I don’t, but my dad might— ”  


“Great!” Jo exclaimed leaving his room in search of his father’s. Once she had entered through the door, she began the same process again until she found a black suit jacket to match with the pants. “This looks like it should fit you,” she said handing him the jacket along with the rest of her findings, “now go change.” He just hoped he would make it back before his father tonight so that he might not see the mess they made of his quarters.  
Cas made his way back into the bathroom and quickly began tugging off his skinny jeans and t-shirt and replacing them with the more suitable formal clothing. He pulled the tie through the collar of his shirt and buttoned his jacket. He certainly looked much more presentable— except for the hair. He picked up the comb from the sink counter, ran it underneath the water and began to slick down the mess he had created earlier. He opened the door and put his arms out, gesturing for Jo to tell him what she thought. Instead of receiving the impressed expression he had been expecting, he was immediately met by snickering.  


“What, what’s wrong? It is customary to wear your hair like this for formal occasions, isn’t it?  


“Your tie… it’s on backwards,” she responded, trying to suppress her laughter.  


“Oh…” He looked down and began to blush at his mistake. _Stupid. Of course your tie doesn’t go like that._  


“Here, let me fix that,” Jo said, smiling as she undid the tie and turned it around so that the correct side was facing outward. “There,” she told him, “perfect.”  


Once again, Cas could hear the doorbell go off. “That should be Balthazar” he uttered. They moved forward towards the door and pulled it open to find Balthazar standing there in a raven-colored suit of his own and a pair of black Ray Ban sunglasses. Cas’s face scrunched up in puzzlement. “Do you really need to be wearing sunglasses at night?”  


“It’s not supposed to be practical, it’s supposed to look cool.” Balthazar said as though the answer seemed obvious. Cas just nodded his head, but still didn’t really get what he meant.  


_That’s just a little ridiculous, isn’t it?_ Cas thought to himself.  


“Well anyway, we better get going,” Jo called.  


“Yes, yes, quite,” Balthazar replied.  


They all hopped into Balthazar’s obsidian Jag, looking around at the interior, he noticed it was ebony leather, smooth to the touch; it must have been a very expensive car. Cas and Jo both sat in the back of the car while Balthazar was driving. It almost felt like a limousine to Cas. His thoughts were interrupted when his ears were hammered with a dreadful noise coming from the speakers of Balthazar’s car. It sounded to Cas like a cross between rap and EDM music, which was not at all to Cas’s liking. He much prefered classic rock, but wouldn’t turn up his nose to pop music, however this was a whole new level of terrible Cas’s ears had never encountered before. He gave a small shudder and threw a slightly disbelieving and disgusted look at Jo who simply smiled and shrugged in return.  


Balthazar’s car pulled up at the entrance of an establishment with a neon sign across the top reading “The RoadHouse” and Cas could hear the faint sound of music, which he suspected was much louder on the inside. “Odd name for a club,” Cas pointed out. “That is what this is, correct?”  


“Yep.” Jo responded.  


“But if that is the case, then how are we able to get in?”  


“Well, it doesn’t really hurt that my mom happens to own the place. You have her as a teacher, don’t you?”  


“Ye— , yes, I do,” Cas stammered. He was a bit shocked that a teacher who seemed so reserved and curt in the classroom would run a place like this. He observed that there was a line at the front doors of the building, but the bouncer took one look at Jo and nodded to her, letting them pass by all of those waiting to enter.  


“See what I mean? It’s pretty nice. I don’t have to wait in any lines. My mom is fine with my friends and I being here as long as we don’t have any alcohol. She’s got all of the guards and bartenders keeping tabs on me to make sure of it. But still, it’s pretty fun anyway.”  


“Isn’t she worried about...drunken men,” Cas asked, giving her a knowing look. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew Jo was a very pretty girl and she probably got a great deal of attention for it.  


She was smart enough to pick up on his insinuation. “Oh trust me, if anyone even tried to touch me, she’d have a shotgun pointed at him before he could even get a word in.”  


Cas didn’t doubt this statement one bit. He had seen Mrs.Harvelle and although he knew she was kind at heart, he couldn’t deny the fact that she scared the hell out of him. He just now began taking in the inside of the club. It was quite different from what he had expected to see and now that he had, he could understand how the name fit the place. He could tell that it had once been nothing more than a bar whose bar top and stools had been kept along with a few old pendant light fixtures that gave it a more southern feel, but the rest had been completely modernized. In the middle, the room opened up to a white dance floor which could barely be seen beneath the feet of countless thrashing bodies, bathed beneath flashing lights of every color, and to either side there were clusters of white, oddly shaped tables. The very center of the scene, however, was taken over by a scrawny looking man rocking a rather long mullet. He wore odd club attire as well: a red plaid shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a black t-shirt beneath it.  


“That’s Ash,” Jo said, “He’s our D.J.” Ash looked up, having seen Jo and gave her a small wave which she returned with a smile. “Anyway, enough introduction. This night is about letting go, a treat to all of us. So what are we waiting for? I want to dance!” she exclaimed, heading out to reserve them a space on the overcrowded dance floor. She must have noticed that Cas hadn’t followed her, because she turned back and grabbed hold of his arm, dragging him along with her.  


Cas swallowed hard. He had never really been too good at dancing. He was always terribly awkward and off rhythm. It didn’t help that when he observed both Jo and Balthazar, they seemed to know what they were doing, making Cas even more nervous.  


“What’s wrong?” Balthazar queried, “come on Cas, loosen up a little,” he said, taking hold of Cas’s hands and twisting him back a forth and little, bringing a bright blush to Cas’s cheeks and a grin to his face. Balthazar wasn’t unattractive and it wasn’t helping that his eyes were directly on Cas, but even still, he was no Dean. “See, much better! Don’t worry about how you look, there are plenty of helpless blokes here with two left feet.” Cas appreciated that Balthazar was trying to make him feel better and so he tried to bop a little on his own.  


“There you go Cas!” Jo exclaimed. “Now can you add a little sway?” she inquired, demonstrating by moving her hips from side to side. Cas tried to copy her movements, but he still felt rather unnatural doing it. Reaching out towards him, Jo placed her hands on his own hips to guide his movement. “Good, good, now try this,” she added, displaying another dance move, foreign to Cas. But Cas didn’t care, he was beginning to enjoy himself, even if his mimicry was clumsy at best. Laughing, he started letting go and released his full artillery of gyrating movements.  


It could all be lost in a moment.“I love this song!” Cas screeched above the sound waves emanating from the speakers forming themselves into a familiar beat.  


The words echoed “Trust you, trust you, trust you,” as the song started out.  


Cas began singing at the top of his lungs. He didn’t care that his voice was off-key and raw. “All my friends say when you gon’ play? I’m always too busy, I don’t need to stay up late. But I change my mind when I see your face,” pointing at Jo he shouted, “ ‘cause I trust you!”  


“Now it’s on like Revlon,” the words went swimming through Cas’s ears as he entered a state of complete euphoria. He let himself become immersed in the wave of light and sound that hit against his body. He could feel the sheer strength of the moment bombarding his senses. His eyes swept the room taking in all of the people. He could see the smiling faces of his friends, Ash sitting high up, surrounded by his turntables, Mrs. Harvelle over tending the bar—  


And there he was. He was seated on the stool furthest from the dance floor, seemingly engrossed by the glass of hard liquor in his hand. He faced away from the commotion of the rest of the scene, ignoring the world around him. In an instant, it had felt like time had slowed and the pounding in his ears had now become a muted undertone. Unknowingly he had stopped in his tracks, right in the very midst of the chaos that was the dance floor. His eyes seemed to be glued to the spot and his feet rooted to the ground.  


“Hey, Cas, you alright mate?” Balthazar questioned, just barely loud enough to break the hold of Cas’s thought.  


“Hmm? Oh yeah, I’m fine,” he said turning back towards his friends and giving them a reassuring smile. He hoped it didn’t look as hollow as it felt on the inside. How was it possible that he had ran into the teacher once again outside of school? Was there nowhere in this town that he could get away from those daunting green eyes? Cas was so frustrated. He was finally starting to have fun after barely being able to meet his Mythology teacher’s gaze all week and the instant he began to think he would be able to get over it, the painful wall of emotion swept over him once again.  


He could see Mrs. Harvelle gesture for Dean to get up and dance and he begrudgingly obliged, pushing himself from his stool and turning towards the dancefloor, but caught himself to down the rest of his drink. As he turned again, Cas tried to hide himself, but to no avail. He could feel Dean’s eyes piercing into the back of his head. Cas gulped trying to calm the butterflies circling tumultuously about his stomach. Giving a smile to Jo and Balthazar, he excused himself telling them he “had to go to the bathroom.” This was a ploy All he really wanted was to get as far away from Dean as possible. He couldn’t handle Dean pushing him away again. But instead of heading away from Dean, he again ended up crashing right into him, again. _Just my luck._  


“Aren’t I glad to see you,” Dean told him. Cas thought at first he was being sarcastic or that he was perhaps too drunk to understand what he was saying, but when he looked up he could only see sincerity on Dean’s face, and his words hadn’t slurred. A flutter of hope rose in Cas’s heart, finally braving looking at him directly.  


“Dean, you don’t know what it’s been like this past week,” Cas could hear the break in his own voice, now turned from a raspiness to a croak. He tried desperately to hold the tears back he could feel forming uncontrollably. “You hurt me so bad. I thought...I thought you didn’t care.”  


“I know, and I’m sorry. I tried to deny it. I tried to fight it—” he whispered, “because I have a family to think about, Cas, but god damnit, I can’t get you out of my head. I don’t know what to do here. You’re my student, for Christ’s sake, I can’t—”  


Cas’s gaze scoured the area again to make certain they were out of eyesight of everyone they knew before pulling Dean close to him, holding on by his tie, staring directly into viridescent apertures with only an inch between their noses. He spoke in a hushed voice and with a face resembling that of a hungry mountain lion when he snarled “Shut up and dance with me,” mimicking the lyrics to the song echoing throughout the room.  


Unable to hold back any longer, Dean closed the gap between them, being anything but chaste. His hips finding Cas’s, beginning to grind against them. Cas returned the favor by grabbing hold of the back of Dean’s neck and deepening the kiss. Jo and Balthazar sure were right about one thing; this would be a night Cas would never forget.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super cute. There's dancing and ice cream :).

Chapter 10- Dean  


A smirk played upon Dean’s face as he took Cas’s hand to lead him out in a secluded section of the dancefloor. He could see how Cas’s eyes lit up as he held on. He loved watching the little things. It had come to be a pastime for Dean when he was sitting behind his desk at work. He noticed the way Cas chewed the end of his pencil when he was worried or how he tilted his head when he was confused. Seeing them always made Dean smile, but most of all he loved watching Cas when he was content. He loved the way he looked now.  


Dean took the hand he was grasping and pulled Cas into a spin. He observed as Cas was turning and jumping how he was mouthing the words to the song, making Dean’s grin deepen. “You a fan of Fall Out Boy?”  


The red rose in Cas’s cheeks and he directed his gaze at the floor. _God, he’s adorable_ Dean thought.  


“I mean, yeah, I am,” Cas mumbled, still looking down, shuffling his feet.  


“Well if you’re a fan, then I’m a fan,” he said, which made Cas lift his eyes and smile.  


Dean shook his head, but all the same started calling out the lyrics. “Dance, dance, we're falling apart to half time!” He didn’t care to admit it, but he didn’t think their songs were half-bad either. It was one of the few records Sam had gotten him that he had taken the time to listen to more than once.  


Cas's smile grew ear to ear as he joined in “Dance, dance, and these are the lives you love to lead!”  


Dean lost track of time. He was just happy to be here, in this moment with Cas. In this moment, nothing else mattered. He supposed that was what he loved most about Cas. That he could make Dean forget everything. That when they were together, it never mattered how wrong it might be to anyone else. He couldn't describe just how right it felt to him in these moments. The guilt never hit then. Not until after. But right now, Dean didn't care.  


“Hey, Cas, do you wanna get outta here?” Dean quickly realized what he said could easily have been misconstrued, and for once, he had meant nothing implied by it. “Er— I meant somewhere else, I didn't uh— ” He had no idea why he struggled to find words around Cas. He silently cursed himself for sounding like a dumbass.  


Cas attempted to suppress a bout of laughter, although Dean could tell how hard he was trying to stop himself. Cas couldn’t contain himself and he hunched over, laughing so hard that no sound emitted from his mouth and he could barely inhale. When Cas had finally calmed he turned his still joviant face upwards towards Dean— whose face now resembled a tomato— and murmured “Yes, I would love to.”  


Dean took Cas’s hand and led him out the back exit of the building where he could see the black impala parked in the front row. He quickly paced over to unlock the car and jogged to the other side, opening the passenger door for Cas. “Here you are sir,” Dean said doing his best impression of a chauffeur.  


“Why thank you,” Cas replied in a cool tone, trying to act like the upper-class aristocratic type.  


The moment he slid into the impala, Cas seated beside him, something clicked for Dean. No one had ever looked so in place in that seat. Not even his brother Sam. For an instant, Dean simply stared in awe at Cas, who now looked far more grown than ever, aside from being just 17. Dean couldn’t place how exactly, but there seemed to be a shift in him, something raking at the back of Dean’s mind that he just couldn’t grasp. Dean focussed again on the car, turning the key to start the engine. It had only now occurred to him that he wasn’t quite sure where he had wanted to go. Regardless, he began driving, letting his instincts guide the car.  


They had been driving in silence for about twenty minutes or so when finally Cas broke it. “Dean, does this feel familiar to you?” his question lingering in the air and tugging at Dean’s previous thoughts.  


Dean tried to brush it off, “No, we’ve never done this before, Cas,” he addressed, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice. He could see Cas’s brow furrow in puzzlement, unable to discern quite what this familiarity was.  


“I don’t know, Dean, but when I got into this car, it was like I knew every detail before I saw it.” Shaking his head he added, “It was probably nothing, it’s just a car,” in an act of trying to convince himself.  


When the car finally jolted to a stop, they had arrived at a small strip, lit up by streetlights casting a pale yellow glow onto the pavement. Most of the shops had closed at this time of night, but that didn’t matter to Dean. He once again opened the passenger door, letting Cas out and laced his fingers between Cas’s. He had driven far enough out of town that it wouldn’t matter who saw them. Walking down the street Dean's heart filled with a kind of elation that accompanied high school crushes. He caressed the interwoven fingers, soft to his touch, sculpting the way they felt between his in his mind so as not to forget it. When they reached the end of the street, he held open the door to a poorly lit, hole in the wall ice cream parlor with a big neon sign across the front that read “Freeze to Death.”  


“Kind of a grim name, don't you think?” Cas commented pointedly.  


“Well there's a reason for that,” Dean replied, reassuring Cas's uneasiness. When they crossed into the parlor, Dean could feel the sudden drop in temperature. Glancing back he saw Cas give a very visible shiver, and quickly removed his own leather jacket to wrap around his shoulders, which was greeted by a warm grin of gratitude. Behind the counter was the familiar old and sunken face, one that had been there for years. The thin and frail-looking, but surprisingly powerful man barely even looked up to greet them.  


“Hello Dean, it's been quite a while, hasn't it?” he said in a chilled tone.  


“Sure has,” turning to Cas he gestured at the man far too well dressed to be working in an ice cream shop, “Cas, this is old man Death.”  


Dean wasn’t quite sure of how the man had gotten the nickname. But ever since he had moved to Brookside, Death had always been around. He supposed it must have been some name the kids gave him as a sort of jeer, but for some reason, it had just stuck. And Death didn’t mind it. In fact, he changed the name of his parlor to embrace it.  


Death looked at Cas quizzically, but not in a surprised fashion: like they had met before. Giving the slightest upturn to his pale fragile lips, he replied “Hello. So, what can I get for you two gentlemen today?”  


“You know me, I'm a rocky road kind of guy,” Dean answered. “What about you, Cas?”  


He saw Cas's eyes skimming over the flavors, gently licking his lips. He could see his brow knit with indecision and at this, Dean couldn't help but smile. Finally Cas's eyes redirected themselves at Death, “I'd love to try the purple cow.”  


Dean wrinkled his face in a look of mild disgust. _Purple cow? Really?_ But Dean just smiled and handed the man a twenty.  


“Oh no,” Death said, “I wouldn't dream of it. It's free of charge,” he said handing the money back to Dean. “Besides, you'll repay me in time.” At that Death turned to Cas and gave him a small wink. His eyes were cold and untelling.  


Dean contorted his face in confusion, but nonetheless thanked him and once again took Cas's hand to lead him outside, ice cream in his other. They decided to walk back slowly down the other side of the street, gazing in at the closed shop windows and laughing and talking along the way. They made their way about halfway down when Cas stopped short in front of a display for men's apparel. Dean followed his gaze up to a long, button-down, tan trenchcoat.  


Without turning his head to look at Dean, he asked, “Do you think it would look good on me?”  


“I think you'd make anything look good,” Dean countered giving Cas a devilish half-smile.  


“I really like it, Dean. I'm not sure why.”  


“It does suit you,” Dean glanced up again at the coat ponderously. He knew that the moment the store opened again he'd have to come back for it. There was something about that coat that was just so...Cas.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Total fluff and much awkwardness.

Chapter 11- Cas  


Just like that, Cas was infatuated. As if he hadn’t been before. They were absolutely enamored with one another. They could barely sit still while in class together and Cas found it increasingly difficult to focus his attention on the work at hand when his mind was always filled with visions of Dean. He loved the moments when the bell rang, and he would linger behind in class, having to convince Jo to go on without him while finding an excuse for staying past the bell. Often he tried to make it look like he wasn’t finished taking the last notes on the board when in reality, he hadn’t written a word down. Sometimes he told her he needed to ask Mr. Winchester a question about the lecture or the homework. As soon as the last student left, Dean would move quickly to shut and lock the door and pull the blind down over the window and in those moments, they forgot about the danger of the situation and just melded into one another. Their mouths would meet as if they were starved and the only nourishment that could replenish them was found in the other’s kiss.  


Cas had also taken up volunteering after school in the library. He would mostly stock shelves and help other students find books. Once he had finished his tasks, he would wait for Dean, who always told the librarians what a great help Cas was to him and they would let Cas go to help him grade papers or sort through lesson plans. And Cas really would sit and grade papers with Dean. Placing a red pen in between his teeth and pouring over essays, looking for grammatical errors or spelling mistakes and making notes for Dean to read in the margins on how they could improve. Above the table, they appeared to be two diligent workers, but below, they would let their hands brush one another’s and Cas could simply take pleasure in Dean’s presence.  


The days proceeding the night at the club was when it had really started this way. Cas had had to explain to his friends just why he had left early. He told them he had gotten sick and he taken a taxi so as not to ruin their night, but they still insisted that he should have told them prior to leaving, which he supposed he should have. He still felt guilty about not telling them where he was off to, but he had gotten so caught up in the moment that he had forgotten about everything and everyone else. And that seemed to be happening a lot lately. Cas found that he was rarely ever home. It wasn’t like his dad cared much anyway, he was rarely home either (although he had questioned why all of his nice suits had been thrown about his room), but still it weighed on Cas. He just liked the fact that when he was with Dean, he didn’t feel alone. Not like the way he did before, wandering that big house by himself. Things were different now, and Cas was okay with that. He was more than okay with that.  


The real problems came with his friends. Cas felt like he was becoming more and more distant from them. Although he was finally on friendly terms again with Anna, he constantly had to keep secrets from them or leave things unexplained because of what he and Dean had. He hated lying to his friends and sneaking around behind their backs, but what choice did he have? Occasionally, they would bring up how they thought this or that girl was cute or sweet and say how Cas should get to know her. Of course, he would have to come up with some excuse as to why it wouldn’t work out. He suspected Balthazar had guessed he didn’t swing that way, but as for the girls, they were clueless. He was grateful of the fact that if he did know, he hadn’t said anything about it. Instead, more recently when Jo brought the subject up, Balthazar would tell her to “leave the poor guy alone” or say, “he just got here, give him some time,” and as much as  


Cas appreciated it, he knew he could only keep up the charade for so long.  


Cas had just left his 6th period class and was headed toward the library. It was the one day of the week that he didn’t have Dean’s mythology class and it was by far the longest day. He hated Thursdays. When he entered the stuffy room the smell of old books hit him instantly, causing him to sneeze. That was the one thing Cas disliked about working in the library. He kindly greeted the librarians and received from them his daily task list, then headed toward the back to start on the large box of stacked books needing to be reshelved. All of that escaped his mind when he was intercepted by a handsome flash of white teeth. Cas stood staring at those perfectly plush and angelically soft lips that could only belong to one person.  


“Miss me?” the voice chided.  


“Is the day long?” Cas replied, quickly surveying the area before planting a chaste kiss upon his perfection. Dean took hold of his sweatshirt and pulled him back into the dark corner between bookcases. Soon Dean's back was against the sci-fi section, authors with names F-J. Cas's fingers were nimble, unworking the buttons on Dean's shirt with haste. His hands fell over Dean's skin, letting them search over his chest while he pressed their mouths together. Had it been hours or just moments? Cas couldn’t tell. He was too wrapped up in Dean to notice, or to care. When they finally broke apart, they both looked disheveled. Cas did his best to fix Dean's hair, then his own and return to work, which Dean had so graciously offered him a hand with.  


They had been working diligently, every so often exchanging glances with one another, which made them both giggle. Cas had lost track of time, he was immersed in his work and hadn’t even noticed a figure approaching until the voice broke him out of his trance.  


“Dean! There you are!” she said moving to greet him with a quick peck on the cheek, which made Cas’s cheeks flare up red and eyebrows knit together in jealousy. He recognized the sleek and flowing dark hair of the women whom he’d seen weeks ago in the Hollister.  


“Oh, hey, Lisa; I wasn’t expecting you here,” Dean returned, eyes filling with distress.  


Obviously not picking up on his cues, she kept talking at him, “Well I was out running errands and I noticed you were running late at work so I figured I’d stop in. You didn’t forget about dinner, did you?”  


“Oh shit. Lisa, I’m sorry, it’s just I started helping Cas here out with library stuff and I got so caught up in it I didn’t realize how late it was getting.”  


“Cas! So this is Cas? I’ve heard so much about you! Hi, I’m Lisa, Dean’s girlfriend.” At this even more color rose to his cheeks, but this time it was from embarrassment.  


“Hi,” Cas attempted to reciprocate her conversational tone, extending his hand, “nice to meet you,” adding a touch of politeness.  


“Dean, I like this one,” she commented as she shook it.  


“It is getting late Cas, so I’d better go, but I’ll be sure to help you finish this tomorrow, okay?” Dean sounded in a quiet, slightly bittered, yet sincere voice.  


“Oh, Cas! Why don’t you join us for dinner? I’m making my famous chicken parmesan.” Lisa’s dark eyes had grown bright with her idea.  


“Um, well…” he stuttered in response, shocked at her forward offer.  


“Great! We can drive you home after, right Dean? Just call and check in with your parents to make sure it’s okay.”  


“Lisa,” Dean cut in, “I’m not sure if it’s really appropriate for me to have students back at the house.”  


“Oh nonsense!” she exclaimed. “You’ve told me Coach Campbell invites the whole team back for pizza night after they win a big game. One little dinner with Castiel won’t do anyone any harm.”  


Cas and Dean exchanged sideways glances and Cas could tell Dean felt about as uncomfortable as he did about the idea. Cas turned to Lisa and gave her a gracious smile, “It’s so good of you to invite me, but I’m not sure—”  


“Good it’s settled then, you’ll be joining us this evening,” the grin on her face widening and her eyes filling with excitement.  


Cas wanted to object, but he could see how hurt she would be if he declined. He just nodded his head and followed her out to the car, Dean by his side.  


“Hey hon, I took my car to work, why don’t I drive home separately with Cas and we’ll meet you back there,” Dean suggested.  


“Okay,” she responded hesitantly.  


“Great, come on Cas,” Dean motioned for him to follow to which he obliged, making his way over to the Impala. Luckily, Cas had taken the bus in that day so he wouldn’t be leaving his car at the school. His dad had needed it since his car was in the shop, so for now Cas had to deal with a bunch of obnoxious and loud freshmen on his way into school. Adjusting himself in the seat beside Dean, he took a deep breath in,  


“So, dinner with your family… this should be fun,” he forced out a half smile.  


“I am so sorry,” he returned, “Look I am just as fond of this idea as you are. Trust me this is not my ideal date with you.”  


“So this is a date now?” Cas retorted, giving Dean a sly grin.  


“Well it sure would make it in the Guinness Book of World Records for most awkward dates if it were one.” He turned to look at Cas. “Yeah, it’s a date. A secret date,” he winked at Cas and held his index finger to his lips in a shushing gesture.  


This made Cas giggle. Dean had a habit of doing that. They were stuck in possibly one of the worst scenarios Cas could think of, and yet Dean could make light of the situation. Looking at him with his green eyes intent on the road ahead, his forehead wrinkling slightly in concentration, Cas could only muster one thought; _God I love you._  


_Wait? Do I really love him? No, no, no, this is not what I signed up for._ Although Cas’s mind fought him, he couldn’t help but smile at the idea of this. He knew if there were anyone in this world worth loving, it was Dean Winchester.  


They arrived in the driveway of Dean’s home, he checked to make sure Lisa was inside the house before leaning over to the driver’s seat and caressed Dean’s lips with his.  


“What was that for?” Dean queried.  


“For being incredible.”  


Dean’s hand brushed his for a moment where it lingered before opening the driver side door and holding the entrance to his house agape for Cas to enter before him. Looking around him, he noticed that the home was spacious and open. Dean led him through hardwood hallways onto blue kitchen tile. The white cabinets nicely offset the espresso granite countertops and stainless steel appliances. Lisa pulled out a stool from under the kitchen island and offered it to Cas, which he amicably accepted.  


“Make yourself comfortable,” Dean insisted. Dean moved to begin washing and cleaning off dishes while Lisa was preparing the food.  


“You have a very wonderful home Ms…”  


“Braeden,” Lisa cut in. “And thank you. So Cas, has Dean here been too hard on you in class?”  


“Oh, no,” Cas laughed softly, “he’s actually probably my favorite teacher I have this year. But you know, everyone’s actually been really nice to me since I moved here.”  
“Oh really, where did you move from?”  


“Oh I lived in Kansas, in Lenexa,”  


“Really, no way! she exclaimed. “That’s where Dean grew up, in Lawrence.”  


Cas had already known this from class, but he just smiled and nodded, he didn’t want to let on that he knew too much about the teacher.  


“You volunteer at the library, right Cas, how is it there?” she inquired, her wrist moving deftly as she began chopping the carrots to go in the salad.  


“It’s a pretty good job. The work isn’t too hard and I like helping out. Plus, they let me take out as many books as I want.”  


“That’s good that you take such an interest in reading. I’ve tried getting this one to pick up a book on his days off,” gesturing at Dean, “but he’ll just sit there and watch reruns of Dr. Sexy M.D.  


Cas burst out in a fit of laughter. _Dr. Sexy M.D.? That’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard!_  


Dean’s voice raised with a hint of anger, but an underlying tone of guilt, “Hey, it’s addicting alright? It’s easy to get invested in the characters.”  


“Okay, Dean,” Cas replied sarcastically, still wiping tears out of his eyes from having laughed so hard. But Cas realized he had slipped up. Lisa was looking at him quizzically and Dean’s face drained of the defensiveness of the previous moment, being replaced by anxiousness. Cas met his gaze nervously, hoping he hadn’t screwed up too bad.  


Dean turned to Lisa, trying to suppress the worry. “Well you see I try not to be too harsh with my students, I let them call me Dean sometimes. It helps me… connect with them on a deeper level. I learned it from one of those new teacher manuals.”  


Cas was glad for Dean’s recovery, but he wasn’t entirely sure that Lisa had bought it. “Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester, I didn’t mean any disrespect,” flashing a charming toothy grin. Lisa’s face still showed a hint of disbelieving, but she smiled it away, returning Cas’s courtesy. She turned towards the oven where the nearly finished chicken parmesan resided and taking two oven mitts from a side drawer, carefully opened it and removed the dinner. The heat radiated out into the room, carrying with it the seasoned aroma of the tender chicken, causing for Cas’s mouth to water and his stomach to growl. He hadn’t realized how extremely hungry he was until the smell had hit him.  


“That looks delicious, Ms. Braeden,” he commented.  


“Thank you! You’re such a darling! If only my son were as appreciative of my cooking as you are…”  


“Speaking of the little rugrat, where is he?” Dean questioned.  


“He told me he was going to study over at a friend’s house after school for a Chemistry test they have tomorrow. He’s staying there for dinner.”  


“Bummer, I think he and Cas would’ve gotten along.”  


Lisa set the chicken down at the dining room table and began to put out plates. Cas looked around at the cloth napkins and place mats and the large cherry wood table adorned with candles. He couldn’t help but to think how his own family dinners must pale in comparison to ones of grandeur such as this.  


“Do you need help setting the table, Mrs. Braeden?”  


“It would be lovely if you could get the forks and knives from the drawer there,” she gestured toward the silverware drawer with an appreciative grin.  


As Cas helped to set the table, he could feel Dean’s eyes following him. He allowed himself to look up from his placing and couldn’t help but to grin. Their gaze stayed fixed on one another as Cas moved from seat to seat setting down napkins and utensils. He became so transfixed by the way Dean looked at him that he forgot all about the fact that he was sharing this dinner with Ms. Braeden. They only saw each other. And it was if as though she were simply a blurry face in the background of a photograph: distant, and unimportant.  


That was, at least, until she broke the moment, glancing towards Cas, then back to Dean and made a noise like she was clearing her throat. Cas’s eyes quickly darted to the ground and continued to place glasses on the table. _God, we have to be more careful! What if she thinks… No, no, you can’t think like that. Just act normal. Everything will be fine._  


Lisa simply placed the chicken parmesan in the center of the table, not saying a word to either of them. Cas took this as his cue to sit down. He and Dean sat on one end, Lisa on the other. As they passed around the food, a blanket of quiet settled over the dinner table. Cas could feel the tension in the air that had not been there in the moments previous. Lisa was no longer smiling and making conversation like she had been. He found his hand reaching out in search of comfort and was met by Dean’s, grasping his tightly. When dinner had ended, he thanked Mrs.Braeden and tried to act as graciously as possible.  


“Well anyway,” Dean said, breaking the air of discomfort, “It’s getting late, I should probably drive Cas home.”  


“Oh no, honey,” Lisa countered through gritted teeth. “ _I’ll_ be taking Cas home.”  


Dean looked at Cas in fear. They exchanged knowing and torn looks before Cas followed Lisa out the front door. The trip home was silent.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get heated.

Chapter 12- Dean  


When Lisa had returned from dropping Cas off, she walked past him coldly. Dean desperately tried to grasp for words. He moved forward to cut her off. As she stopped abruptly so as not to collide with him, he felt her once warm chocolate eyes turn to cold cedar daggers, hollowed of any of her prior feelings for him.  


“Lisa, come on, talk to me! Please, just tell me what you’re thinking.”  


“You want to know what I’m thinking, Dean? I’m thinking God, he’s a pretty one isn’t he? Is that what made you fall in love with him? Dean, you want to know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that I was so goddamn stupid. And don’t even try to tell me that’s not what it is. I know. Because you used to look at me that way,” her voice broke into a stream of tears and sobs.  


“Lisa…” Dean had no idea what to say to her to make any of it better. But she was right, he did love Cas.  


“Don’t talk to me. I can’t even look at you right now. He’s your student, Dean! You’re looking at prison for what you’ve been doing.” She put her head in her hands, “I don’t know what to do.”  


“We never—”  


“Oh, and you think that’s going to matter to a judge? If you can’t prove it then what does it matter? He’s a child, Dean. God, how old is he even?”  


“Lisa—”  


“How old?” she demanded, raising her voice almost to the point of yelling.  


“Seventeen,” he hung his head, barely raising his voice above a whisper.  


“Go, pack your things. And if I ever see you here again, I swear on my life, I will not hesitate to call the authorities.”  


Dean tried to speak, but he knew it would do no good. She had made up her mind, and what did he really have to say that could change it? What she said was the truth. And now he had to bear the consequences of his actions. He trudged up the stairs, boots clunking with each heavy step he took. Plodding over to the closet, he pulled out his blue suitcase and unzipped it. He began grabbing things out of his drawers; old shirts, boxers, socks, jeans, dress pants. But he paused when he saw the neatly folded coat on the bottom shelf. He stooped to pick it up and took it in both hands, letting it open to it’s full length. He had picked it up a few weeks ago, the day after he and Cas had gone to the ice cream parlor. He had driven back there after work. He had been saving it for Cas’s birthday. But looking at it now, he had mixed feelings. He had given up everything he’d built here, the past two years he’d spent with Lisa and Ben on the whim of this emotional whirlwind he had been sucked into the moment he’d first seen Cas. He ran his fingers over the buttons of the coat and he knew it had not been in vain.  


Then there was a knock at the door, and a small head popped it’s head through the crack. “Dean, what’s going on?” he asked worriedly, “Why is mom crying?” He glanced down at Dean’s luggage, “Why are you packing?”  


“Ben,” Dean sighed, “Look, you’re mom’s just a bit upset right now and she thought it best that I… go away for a while.”  


“What do you mean?” Ben’s voice sounded composed, but Dean could detect the hurt underneath.  


“I’m sorry Ben, but I have to do this. I don’t want to leave you, you know I don’t, but I don’t have a choice.”  


“You know you’re walking out on your family, Dean. We’re your family,” he choked out. Dean could see the tears begin to well in his eyes. Ben turned away and left through the door he’d come, leaving Dean alone in the room. His eyes swept over his possessions, haphazardly tucked away in a suitcase. _This is all I have left._


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of emotion, stick around

Chapter 13- Cas  


Cas hurried over to his nightstand where his phone was belting out the lyrics to “Carry On Wayward Son.” He slid the green icon across his lock screen to pick up the call.  


“Hello?” his voice echoed into the receiver.  


“Cas. Hey, Cas, it’s me,” the voice replied shakily.  


“Dean? Dean, what’s wrong?” but even as the words escaped from his mouth, he felt a dreading sense of what he was going to say next.  


“She knows. She… she kicked me out. Cas, I don’t know what to do.”  


“Dean, where are you?”  


“I’m at a motel just outside of town for now, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, where I’m going to stay. I’m scared, Cas.”  


“It’s going to be okay, don’t worry. Which motel are you at?”  


“I think it’s called The Red Lotus”  


“Okay, I’m on my way,” he said, trying for a reassuring tone, but in truth he was just as scared as Dean was. He scrambled to where his keys were hanging on the coat rack by the front door and frantically went in hunt for a piece of paper and a pen. Gripping the pen, he scribbled a quick message. 

_**Dear Dad,**_  
_**Went out with some friends. May be sleeping over Balthazar’s.**_  
_**Love, Cas**_  


He taped his messy note up to the fridge and ran out the door. He wanted to be sure that Dean was okay, and he wasn’t going to waste any time getting to him. Dean needed him right now, and that was the most important thing. He started up the Lincoln, engine squealing. It pulled out of the driveway without hesitation. He raced down the highway as he yelled commands at his phone to bring up the navigation for The Red Lotus motel. After what seemed like hours, (but in reality had maybe been twenty minutes) he arrived at his destination. He started to sprint up to the doors, but then stopped, realizing he didn’t know what room Dean was in. Cas pulled out his phone again, dialling Dean’s cell.  


He waited three rings before the other line picked up. “Hey,” the voice said sullenly.  


“Dean, listen I’m here, what room are you in?”  


“I think it’s room 221.”  


“Alright, you hold tight I’m gonna be right there, okay?”  


“Okay, see ya,” he said, hanging up the phone.  


Cas’s eyes scoured wildly over every room. He read the numbers, _134, 136, 138._ He spotted a stairwell at the end of the building and made a mad dash to it, taking the stairs two at a time. When he got to the top level he began reading the room numbers again _215, 217, 219… ah there it is, 221_. He let his fist wrap loudly against the wooden door, anxious to see Dean’s face.  


When Dean finally opened the door to the motel room, Cas couldn’t hold himself back. He rushed into his arms, wrapping him in a tight embrace.  


“I was so worried about you,” he whispered into Dean’s ear.  


“I’ll be okay now that you’re here,” he cooed back, resting his forehead against Cas’s. “Here, come in.”  


As Cas stepped into the motel room, he observed how dingy it was in comparison to the lovely home he’d had dinner in just the night before. The floor was covered in a dark red carpeting, stained in several places. By what exactly, Cas did not know, nor did he want to. To the side of the room was a small, worn looking bed with a faded and musty comforter and he was pretty certain he’d seen a cockroach scuttle out from beneath the pillow. The whole place gave him a sense of unease.  
“Dean, you can’t stay in a place like this,” Cas insisted.  


“Well what other options do I have? Until I can get my own place, what choice do I have?”  


_You could stay with me._ That’s what Cas wanted to say, but he knew that even though his father wasn’t around often, he was still around and he would not be okay with Dean staying there. “I...I don’t know, it’s just—”  


“I know, this place is a dump. I don’t want to be here any more than you want me here. God what am I going to do? What if… what if she tells someone? I’d surely be out of my job. And on top of that maybe end up in prison. God, this is such a mess. I never wanted things to be like this for us.”  


“Do you regret us, Dean?” Cas asked, almost scared to hear his answer.  


“No, of course I don’t regret us. Cas, you’re the one person I have left. And if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change it. But I just wish I wasn’t such a burden to you.”  


“You’re never a burden to me. You know I’d do anything for you, Dean. Please never think any differently.” Cas turned towards the bed, sweeping off the comforter and tossing the pillow to the floor, he took Dean by the hand and led him towards it, kissing him passionately as he did so. When they had reached the bed, Cas took Dean by the shirt and thrust him down on the mattress, letting his fingers work beneath the fabric of his collar. He wanted Dean to feel good again, and he had a good idea of how he could.  
“Cas,” Dean panted, “Cas, not here.”  


“What’s wrong?” he queried, tilting his head slightly. “Don’t you want to?”  


“More than anything, but Cas, I don’t want it to be in some dirty motel room as a way to cheer me up. That’s not fair to you.”  
He nodded , understanding. He supposed Dean did have a point. He wanted Dean so badly, but here? Now? He had been premature in his actions. It didn’t seem right. It wasn’t... _special_. As lame as that sounded to Cas, it was true. He wanted it to be special. And not only would it be their first time together, but his first time, _ever_. And this infested-looking mattress was not exactly what he had envisioned.  


Cas pressed his lips once more against Dean’s before rolling off of him and onto the mattress, lying next to Dean and looking into his eyes. Dean moved to grab onto Cas, entangling his arms around Cas’s chest and waist and pulled him in. Cas felt a wash of calm trace over him, a sense of belonging and comfort. _Home_ he thought, right there in Dean’s arms.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys are going to like this one

Chapter 14- Dean  


The past months since he had left Lisa had been surprisingly _good_. He had found a place, an apartment in town and was finally starting to get settled. It wasn’t terribly big, but it didn’t need to be. It was well furnished (thanks to Cas) and cozy. Cas would come by every day and spent most nights there. They had begun to form a routine. And it was nice.  


He loved the way that when he woke up in the morning, Cas was already awake, showered and making coffee and breakfast for them both. Dean loved coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around Cas as he cooked up eggs or hashbrowns in the skillet and smelling the mixture of breakfast food with Cas’s freshly washed hair. Even though it was Dean’s apartment, it was their place.  


Now Dean was the one who had something special planned. Today was Cas’s birthday, and over the past several months Cas often talked about getting away from town. He wanted to be away from the people they knew. Dean suspected it was because Cas was not fond of having to hide their relationship. He could see the toll it took on Cas when they were about in public and he would instinctively reach for Dean’s hand, then realize that he couldn’t. They had to be especially careful being seen together in public because of their situation.  


But Dean didn’t want Cas to have to worry about a thing like that on his birthday. Today, Dean was the one who was up early, making the breakfast and coffee. He had made Cas’s favorite: belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. He opened the door to where Cas was snuggled in beneath the soft down comforter, still snoozing in one of Dean’s old t-shirts. The sight warmed Dean’s heart and he almost didn’t want to wake him. He padded over and sat down on the bed beside the sleeping Cas and chided softly, “Hey Cas, happy birthday.”  


“Dean,” he grumbled groggily, lifting his head slightly, “need sleep.”  


“You sure?” he asked, now holding the plate of waffles in Cas’s line of sight, “it’d be a shame if I had to eat these all by myself.”  


Eyeing the waffles, Cas quickly shook his head to clear himself from sleepiness and grabbed the plate from Dean’s hands. Picking up the fork, he took a bite and Dean observed as the look of pleasure spread across his face.  


“Mm,” he hummed, taking another bite.  


“Happy birthday babe,” he said, leaning forward to plant a kiss on Cas’s full and slightly chapped lips. Pulling back he smiled, “thought I’d get that for you,” he declared, gesturing towards Cas’s mouth to where there had previously been a glob of whipped cream. “Anyway, enjoy, but once you’re done, start packing a bag.”  


“What? Where are we going?” he queried.  


“You’ll see,” Dean replied, giving Cas a knowing wink.  


Cas then scarfed down the rest of his breakfast and quickly began gathering together the clothes he had stored in Dean’s apartment. Dean watched him as he began scrambling about. He hoped that Cas would be surprised.  


“What do I bring!?” Cas was in a frantic panic whirring about the apartment like a tornado, leaving everything undone in his wake. He tore through his dresser, searched through closets, and ran his hands through his hair whilst talking to himself. Dean thought it best to simply stay out of his way. But he figured he should relieve a bit of the pressure and moved forward to pick up a pair of swim trunks.  


“You’ll be needing these,” he replied, handing them to Cas.  


Cas nodded and gave Dean a look of gratitude, bending down to put them into the half-packed suitcase. “Thanks,” he responded, looking still a bit dazed.  


“Now come on, hurry up we gotta get out of here!”Dean knelt beside him to begin shoving the things laid out on the bed into the suitcase beside the swim trunks. It wasn’t long then before they had gotten completely packed, although the apartment was still in a state of disaster.  


“After you,” Dean said, holding open the door so that Cas could walk through with all of his luggage.  


“Dean, come on, please just tell me where we’re going. You know I can’t stand surprises. They make me too nervous,” Cas gasped in exasperation, eyes looking worriedly up at him. But Dean only played a sly smile across his face and closed the trunk.  


“Hop in,” he said opening the passenger door for Cas, but held him back just a moment to plant a kiss on his forehead before Cas could get situated.  


The drive was a long one, but Dean never got bored. He had let Cas rifle through his cassette collection and put in various albums. First they had sang all the way through “Bohemian Rhapsody” without missing a single lyric and Dean had given Cas a high-five for their accomplishment. Then “Back in Black” had come on and Dean thrummed his fingers against the steering wheel, screeching out all of the lyrics, even though he couldn’t hit the notes. Later on “Night Moves” played and Cas had given him this lustful look that had almost convinced Dean to stop the car right then and there. With the music, the atmosphere, the stops for cheap diner food and drive throughs, and the endless stream of conversation, Dean had never felt more blissful. The 6 hours had seemed more like a half a second. Extraordinary, and gone in the blink of an eye.  


When they pulled into the driveway, Dean was almost disappointed that the trip was over. But that didn’t last for long. The cottage was not yet visible from where they had parked, which had been what Dean wanted. Turning to Cas, he retrieved the bandana from his back pocket and tied it over Cas’s eyes.  


“Dean, what’re you doing?” Cas’s voice seemed to have just a hint of unease behind it.  


“I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise, would I?”  


Giving a sigh, Cas acquiesced the suspense and let Dean blindfold him. Steadily, Dean walked him up the stairs leading to the cottage. He pulled the key out and turned it in the door, pulling it back to reveal the interior.  


“Happy Birthday,” Dean’s green eyes sparkled with enthusiasm. He turned back to removed the bandana from Cas’s face and watched as his face lit up in astonishment. The place was big and lofty. It was open and breathable, something that they needed right now. He let Cas walk past him and take in all of his surroundings. The bottom floor consisted of just a few open rooms. Front and center was the foyer which opened into a small living and dining space with a kitchen off to the left. To the right, there was a guest bedroom with two twin mattresses adorned in blue and green pastel comforters to give off the beachy feel. _Guess we won’t be using that_ Dean thought. And he was happy about it _but maybe someday…_ He was getting ahead of himself. As Cas was still marveling at the frying pan in the white wood cabinets, Dean turned up the stairs, running his hand over the familiar maple-sugar-brown bannister and made his way up step by step. He peered through the door at the white tiled bathroom and swept his gaze over to the sun room with windows overlooking the water.  


From down below he heard a squeak escaped from between Cas’s lips. He had been so caught up in the house itself he hadn’t yet looked out the sliding glass doors standing before him. The blue water stretched across the ivory sand that lay at the bottom of the back steps. Cas stood mesmerized, unmoving and unblinking, dazed by the vastness and deepness of the waves rolling into shore. Snapping from his trance, Cas glanced back to where Dean now stood, level to the rafters on the bridge leading to the bedroom.  


“Dean, this is…”  


“Did I do good?” he chuckled playfully, walking down to stand beside Cas.  


“You did amazing. You brought me the ocean.”  


Cas grabbed his neck and pulled Dean’s lips to his, sealing them in a flurry of affection. Pulling back, Cas spoke barely above a whisper “God, I wish we could stay in this moment forever.”  


“Me too,” Dean smiled back at him. “Now come on, what’re you waiting for, there’s a whole ocean out there just calling out for you to go swim in it.”  


“Is it really now?” Cas retorted slyly.  


“Yeah, actually I heard it request you by name, now go get your trunks on.”  


When Cas returned, he was wearing a pair of navy swim shorts embellished with large white hibiscus flowers. He walked hurriedly across the deck, pausing for a moment at the top step. “Dean, are you coming?” His voice almost had a nervous quality to it.  


He had forgotten how big of a deal this must be to Cas. He had never been in the ocean before, with all the moving around and his father constantly working, there had never been times for vacations or day trips. He had only ever heard of it, which Dean imagined couldn’t begin to compare to the real thing. If he was in Cas’s shoes, he supposed he would feel the same way.  


“I’ll be down in a minute, just give me a second to change.” Dean wandered back into the house and trudged up the stairs to where his suitcase now laid on the bed. Opening it, he first extracted the neatly folded tan trenchcoat. He let it hang so that it now draped to its full length and proceeded to smooth out any creases. He wanted it to be presentable to the stature that all birthday gifts should be. Although he had already taken Cas to the beach, so he was certain nothing he did now would be able to follow that. He laid it down on Cas’s side of the bed; a surprise for when he went to bed. Then Dean donned his own pair of green swim trunks and headed towards the beach.  


When he had descended from the last step, he saw Cas standing stiff and unmoving gazing out into the dark waters. In that moment he didn’t look like the cute, now 18-year-old boy who had walked into his classroom that first day of September. His eyes were shadowed with a knowing unlike anything he had ever seen before. Dean was almost scared to approach.  


“Does this all feel familiar to you, Dean?” Cas said in a tone cooler than normal.  


Dean felt a cold shiver run the course of his spine. He knew _exactly_ what Cas meant, and yet he couldn’t place it. But seeing Cas now, seeing his forlorn eyes— eyes that looked as though they had seen empires rise and fall in their wake— he couldn’t help but to concede to his suspicions. “I didn’t want to say anything before, but it’s this feeling. I can’t shake it, Cas. I mean, ever since I met you, it’s ridiculous but it felt like I knew you.”  


“I’ve had the same suspicions. But I don’t understand it. It’s as if I am trying to scratch at a wall dividing my brain into this life and another. I remember you, Dean. But I have no memories with you, at least not before Brookside.”  
He stepped forward to meet Cas and put his head against the boy’s bare chest. “Well we’re here now. And that’s all that matters. That you and I found each other. You’re my family Cas.”  


They stood there for a moment, watching the sun begin to set over the ocean. Cas had leaned his head against Dean’s chest, enjoying the silence of the moment. All was calm and peaceful: too calm, too peaceful. Dean took one last look down at Cas’s head where it rested gently and swiftly shoved him into the barrelling waves. Coming up sputtering, Cas shouted “Hey!” in a form of protest. Dean could see him making a beeline straight towards him, eyes seeking revenge. Dean attempted to duck out of the way, but to no avail. He felt a powerful hand forcing his head beneath the water for a moment before letting go. As Dean broke the surface once again he heard the soft chuckle escaping Cas’s lips.  


“Okay, okay, you got me, happy?” he asked rolling his eyes.  


“Very,” Cas replied grinning widely.  


The sun had now completely set and inky darkness began to bleed across the sky, painting it with hues of blue and black. Stars just peeked out between the now graying clouds that hadn’t yet dissipated. Dean emerged from the water, shaking droplets from his skin before walking back up the stairs. Still dripping, he grabbed the towel from the chair where he had left it and retrieved another for Cas.  


Once he had dried himself off, he settled into one of the chairs on the back deck that overlooked the now black and glimmering water. Cas settled in beside him, glancing over at Dean and gave an innocent smile.  


“Dean, I wanted to thank you for today. No one has ever done something so nice for me before. I just wanted to let you know how much it meant to me. It truly was the greatest birthday present I’ve ever received. If I had been home today, I would’ve ended up spending my birthday alone. So thank you, for making it special.”  


“I wanted to do it Cas. Seeing how much you liked it, it was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. I’d do anything just to see you smile. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, not even Lisa. I love you, Cas. I have for a while now, I guess I just wasn’t ready to admit it yet.”  


He looked over at Cas’s face, hoping to get some sort of affirmation, to know that his words hadn’t been too much for Cas to handle. Just as he did, there was a loud echo and Dean looked up to see bright, flashing light crackle across the sky.  


“Fireworks,” Cas breathed in awe. “I’ve only ever heard about them.”  


“A lot of firsts today, huh?”  


“Yes, and they are so much more than I had imagined.”  


“I remember one year the weekend before the Fourth of July, my dad had to work a case nearby, so he dropped us off here for a few days and my brother Sammy and I sat up here and we saw fireworks light up all across the bay. Every direction you looked, there were more of them. Some were so far in the distance, you could just barely make them out. It was incredible.”  


“That sounds wonderful Dean, I’d like to see that sometime.”  
“Maybe we can take another trip up here in July then,” Dean turned his head again to look at Cas, but now, even as the fireworks burst around them in radiant and dazzling displays of every color, Cas's eyes were fixed directly on him, and his fears subsided. Dean sighed, stroking his thumb across the corner of his mouth, “It’s getting late, we should turn in.”  


Cas nodded in agreement, following Dean inside the house as he pulled open the glass door. They climbed up the staircase to the bedroom, and once they had walked inside Dean heard a tiny gasp sound from behind him. Cas moved to where the trench coat was laid out on the bed, taking its fabric between his fingers, then scooping it up in his arms.  


“Dean, you remembered,” his face lit up in adoration.  


Dean grinned, having practically forgotten about the gift after the course of the day's events. “When you said you wanted it that night I knew you had to have it, so I went back the next day. It was so hard keeping it a surprise because I just wanted to tell you so bad.”  


“This is amazing,” Cas purred, moving towards him and wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck. “You’re amazing.”  


Their lips met in a kiss the was deep and passionate. Cas was so eager Dean had to brake in order to catch his breath.  


“How about one more first tonight?” Cas asked slyly, eyes drifting toward the bed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has the magic touch

Chapter 15- Cas  


Cas awoke that morning smiling. He could still feel the passion from the night before as sweat on his skin. Touching his opposite arm, he could still feel where Dean’s hands had baptized his flesh in a wave of sensation. It was a completely foreign feeling, but something so incredible, it was hard to believe it had been real. He remembered the closeness of the moment, the power, the ecstasy. But most of all, he remembered the way Dean had begged for it. He remembered that it was something he never wanted to forget.  


He turned to face the still sleeping Dean. His arms were wrapped around Cas’s bare chest, holding him in a warm embrace. Cas felt at ease in the crook of Dean’s arm. He felt like he could stay there for hours and he wouldn’t grow tired of watching the rise and fall of Dean’s chest as he dreamed. But the perfect moment felt tainted by this sense of deja vu. He hadn’t been able to shake it and now it had been happening more frequently. He would get flashes and glimpses of times he had with Dean before. But before what? Before this lifetime? He couldn’t be sure. But he knew in one sense or another, that he was meant to find Dean again.  


Cas had slipped from beneath Dean’s arms and padded downstairs so as not to disturb him. He had spent his time sipping on a cup of coffee and reading one of the many books he had borrowed from the library, this one titled Fallen and was about a girl whose dark past had landed her in a disciplinary school for delinquents. Cas thought it was quite good so far, although he wasn’t quite sure why the girl Luce had taken such a liking to Daniel, who in his opinion seemed to be a pompous ass. He often liked to read when he could, which is why the library was such a good place for him to work. In the spare time he had when he wasn’t stocking shelves or helping Dean to grade papers, he would bury himself in the countless stories around him. His favorite novels were fantasy and myth books, the kind that you could just sink yourself into and imagine a completely new world, but that being said, he could also enjoy heavier reading like George Orwell or Ayn Rand. When he was younger, reading had made him forget just how alone he felt.  


Just as he buried his head in his mug again, he heard the shuffle of the bed sheets and the thump as two bare feet hit the hardwood floor.  


“G’morning,” Dean said smiling lazily. As Cas raked his eyes over Dean, whose chest was still bare, he noticed that he seemed to be glowing, almost to the point of it being unnatural. There was a radiance to his skin that had never been there before. _He looks like...like he’s been touched by an angel_. Cas smirked at the thought. Dean? Angel? The two just didn’t add up. He loved Dean, but he sure as hell was no angel. He watched on as Dean poured himself a cup of coffee and sighed as he settled down next to Cas on the couch perusing through a book of his own. Glancing at the spine, he noticed it said “Vonnegut” in bold white letters.  


“Any good?” Cas asked, gesturing toward the book.  


“It’s excellent, what about yours?”  


“I’m not sure if it’s really your style, but I love it. At this pace, I’ll likely be done with it in the next day or so.”  


Dean nodded thoughtfully and went back to his reading. Even though there was no touching or kissing, there was something infinitely intimate about these moments, the small ones where nothing in particular happened. There was just a comfort that came with being in Dean’s presence that he didn’t need to be doing anything with him, just being there, together, that was enough.  


Cas knew that in a few moments time, they would have to begin the hustle and bustle of packing their suitcases back up and starting out on the road in the Impala once again, but for now, the feeling of calm that settled over the two was something Cas so treasured. It was as if the events of the night before had melted away all the stress, all the pent up anger that Cas had felt in his life. It didn’t matter anymore that his father was never there for him because he had found his own family with Dean.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's official. Dean is the sweetest.

Chapter 16- Dean  


Ever since Cas had tried on the trench coat, the two had been inseparable. He wore the thing everywhere: to school, when he and Dean went out, and even sometimes to bed. Dean couldn’t help but to think it was adorable.  


The first semester of the year was about to end, and with it so would Dean’s 7th period class with Castiel. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He knew he still saw him everyday, but he would no longer have those forbidden moments of eye contact or the after school sessions they had. It wouldn’t make sense for Cas to come to his room after class anymore because there wouldn’t be a class. At least they would still have the library.  


Today was the _last day_ that he would be able to see Cas in his classroom. But with that also came the relief. They had almost made it through. Soon they wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught anymore. If Cas was no longer his student, then they wouldn’t need to hide and since it was Cas’s senior year, he wouldn’t have to worry about any years to follow. Just one more semester and they could start their lives together, the right way.  


Dean had begun to think about where their lives would take them next. Once the year ended, he would no longer have anything tying him to Brookside. Lisa had cast him out and while his apartment was charming, it was a temporary place at best. He knew that Cas deserved better than that. He knew that Cas would likely go to a university somewhere, and wherever that was, Dean had decided he would go there with him. He would buy a real place, a house. Somewhere that Cas could come home to every day to do all of his studying, that way he wouldn’t have to worry about the extra expenses that come with dorm rooms. They could live comfortably, but more importantly, they could live together. There would be no limits of where they could go or who they could see. It would finally be their fresh start. And Dean couldn’t wait.  


Now he just had to get through today. He skimmed over his lesson plan for the day, but tossed it aside. If today was the last day, it wasn’t going to be an educational one. He wasn’t really sure what he would do yet, but he felt that he should end where he had begun: in a state of reflection.  


As his 7th period class filed into the room one last time, he gave a sad smile. He would miss many of them. He hadn’t realized it, but it wasn’t only Cas who had made such a big impact on him, it was all of them. Jo had taught him to be fearless and unapologetic. Ruby had taught him the importance of persistence and persuasion. Krissy had taught him how to get what you want, even in a situation that doesn’t seem to be in your favor. And he had applied each and every one of these to the life he had built with Cas. He wasn’t afraid of accepting who he was or who he loved anymore. He had stuck with Cas through everything, even when he had to leave everything else behind because of it. And he had gotten everything he had wanted.  


If Dean had been told his future a year ago, he never would have believed a word they told him. He never would have thought he’d leave Lisa. He never would have believed that he would be in love with a man. He would have thought it crazy had they told him he would risk everything: his career, his family, his life for this boy. But here he was. He wouldn’t want it any other way.  


He thought about everything they had had to do to keep their love a secret. He thought about the days in the library when they would find a dark corner behind a row of bookcases. He thought about the nights they would drive out of town so that they could have dinner out at little hole in the wall pizza joints. He thought about how when all the hiding was said and done, he was able to wash himself of all of it when he laid down at night next to him.  
The class had taken their seats and Dean looked across the room to where Cas sat in the back row, glasses framing his face and dark hair spilling out from beneath his gray hoodie. He wanted to capture this moment forever, so he allowed his eyes to take all of it in, sweeping him from head to toe one last time. He knew from now on, everything would be put into a new perspective.  


Turning to the class, he cleared his throat and began, “I’ve never been good with words, but I just wanted to tell you what a special experience I’ve had with you all here at Brookside. Each and every one of you, even the real pains in the ass, have taught me so much. I know that’s not something we normally talk about, how teachers learn from their students, but it’s true. I’m not sure I would have been able to go through the things that have happened in my life had it not been for the interactions that I’ve had with you. You have taught me important things that I will hold onto throughout my entire life. Patience, for one. But each of you has a unique intelligence about you and different opinions. It has made me realize that there is not just one way of solving a problem, but many. So in return, I’d like to leave you all with just one last piece of wisdom that I hope you can take to heart. When you find the thing that you love in life, the thing that gives you a reason to fight, never let go of it. I know I didn’t and it’s made me the happiest I have ever been.”  


Ruby turned in her seat so that she could look eye to eye with him. “Mr. Winchester, this sounds like a goodbye, but we’ll all be seeing you next semester and next year, won’t we?”  


“Well that’s just the thing. You see, I need to follow the thing I love, and that won’t be here next year. I haven’t made it official yet with the school, but this is my last year. After next semester, I won’t have anything keeping me here.”  


He looked up for just a moment, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas’s face. He hadn’t told Cas of his plans yet. He just glanced long enough to see the sparkle in his eyes like tears beginning to form. Looking back down at his feet, he smiled. He knew he had made the right decision. From what he had seen, he knew Cas felt the same.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends are the greatest, aren't they? Wait...what?

Chapter 17- Cas  


Could what he had heard be right? Dean had just said that he would move away from Brookside, away from the life he had before to follow Cas, wherever that may take them. Sure Cas had pictured them having a future together, but he hadn’t really thought about what would happen to them after Cas graduated from Brookside. He figured he’d have to go to college somewhere close by, if he decided to go at all. Now it seemed as though a world of opportunities had opened up for him. He didn’t have to worry about leaving anything behind, because there would be nothing to come back to. In a year’s time, his dad would be on to the next city and Jo, Anna, and Balthazar would all likely go their separate ways for college anyway. So what was stopping him? What was stopping _them_ from the life they had only just dreamed about? Nothing. Cas was more than excited to find where it would bring him. Maybe he could finally pursue his love of literature in college, become an English teacher or a professor, maybe write a book or two, delve deeper into his love of history and mythology. The world, at his fingertips. For once in his life, he wouldn’t be alone.  


When the final bell of the day cried it’s sweet song, Cas could hardly restrain himself long enough for the last student to leave before projecting himself from his seat and leaping into Dean’s arms. He hugged him, wrapping his hands around all of Dean, making sure that every part of him felt the warm sensation of love emulating from Cas’s skin. He closed his eyes, burrowed his face into Dean’s shoulder and squeezed to the point that it was probably uncomfortable, but Cas didn’t care. The elation he felt in the moment was indescribable, and when he hug finally broke, it was only seconds before he felt Dean’s strong hands pull his face into a deep, tender kiss. He didn’t unseal his lips until he was sucked dry of all the oxygen he had.  


Catching his breath, he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”  


“Well it’s been something I’ve been thinking about for a while I guess, I just wanted to be sure before I said anything about it.”  


“And are you sure?” Cas queried.  


“I couldn’t be more sure,” he replied. “Now go, see off your friends. I’ll be waiting for you when you get home, but take your time, go out or something.”  


“But—” Cas began to protest.  


“Uh, uh, uh, you are going out with your friends. You spend all of your free time with me, but you can’t forget about the other people in your life. Don’t worry, I’ll be there when you get back.”  
Cas supposed he was right. He was spending every waking moment with Dean and it wasn’t fair to his friends. They didn’t deserve to take the back burner like that. He had just gotten so caught up in his own happiness, he hadn’t even realized how much he had been neglecting everyone else. He had to make it up to them.  


“Thanks,” he said to Dean and gave him a peck on the cheek before leaving through the door. He pulled out his cellphone and found Balthazar’s number on his phone. Holding it up to his ear, he waited as the phone rang. Finally, someone picked up on the other end.  


“Hello?” the familiar voice said.  


“Hey Balthazar, it’s me, Cas.”  


“Oh, hey…” His tone almost had a hint of disappointment.  


“Look, I know I haven’t been the greatest friend lately. It’s just that there’s a lot going on in my life right now and I’ve just sort of gotten caught up in all of it. I know it’s no excuse for distancing myself from you guys, but I was really hoping I could make it up to you. I’ve missed you guys and I could really go for a night out. What do you say?”  


“Aw, Cas, always so sentimental. But it’s alright mate, I understand. You’re in love, it only natural to forget about your friends.”  


“I...you…” Cas stammered. His face was flushed bright red as he tried to make out a coherent sentence.  


“It’s cute you’re so flustered,” Balthazar chuckled, “but you’re not fooling anyone, especially not me. It’s plain as day.”  


“But—”  


“And please don’t try to convince me it’s Anna, even though she’d want it to be. We both know you’re not interested in girls like that.”  


Cas just stood in silence, mouth gaping. How had Balthazar known this entire time when Cas wasn’t even fully sure himself at first? Sure he knew Balthazar had defended him in the past when Jo and Anna had brought up the fact that a catch like him should have a girlfriend, but he hadn’t thought it was that obvious. Cas supposed he had to give Balthazar credit for his intuition and observation.  


“I’ve known for a while. I knew that night at the club when we all went out. You took a look at Jo and there was no interest there whatsoever. Now when a girl looks like that and a guy doesn’t take interest, either he’s blind, or there’s something else going on,” he said, Cas couldn’t see him, but he imagined he was raising his eyebrows. “But don’t worry about it, your secret’s safe with me. That is, if you still want it to be a secret. No matter who you love, I hope you know your friends won’t abandon you.”  


Cas wanted to say so much to Balthazar in that moment. He wanted to thank him for all the validation he had given Cas and for the the weight he had lifted, but Cas’s words were stuck. He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to. Nothing he could utter with words would even come close to what he meant. He held the phone to his ear. For a moment, there was only silence.  


“It’s okay,” Balthazar reassured him, “I know.”  


Even though he hadn’t said much, Cas knew exactly what he meant. “Thank you,” he managed at last, smiling into the receiver.  


“Now how about we all get together for old times sake eh?”  


“That sounds great, but I think I’ve changed my mind. A night in might be better.”  


“It’s up to you, boss. I’ll let the others know and then you can all come here. We’ll do anything you like, okay?”  


“Okay,” he responded and hung up the phone. In spite of being outed, Cas felt oddly fine. In a way, it was nice that someone besides Dean finally knew. It had felt like this burden he had needed to carry around with him for so long. But Balthazar had accepted it so easily. He hadn’t expected that nonchalant reaction, but he was glad he had someone who cared. And he knew that Balthazar didn’t judge him for it either. He was glad he had his friends back and he felt stupid for ever neglecting them in the first place.  


Even though it was just a night in, Cas wanted to look good. When he returned to the apartment, he told Dean of his plans. He then put on a new pair of cuffed skinny jeans, low black boots, a white v-neck and a leather jacket. He felt bad for leaving the trench coat behind tonight, but he wanted to try something a little different. Plus, tonight wasn’t about Dean, it was about reconnecting with his friends. He loved Dean and spending time with him, but that was all he had done in the past few months and he was due for a change of scene.  


When he arrived at Balthazar’s house, rolling up in his tan Lincoln, he was greeted by Balthazar’s outstretched arms.  


“Well isn’t it good to see you, mate? I’ve missed you.”  


“I’ve missed you too,” turning to Jo and Anna who were standing behind Balthazar he added, “and I’m sorry for being such an ass. You guys mean the world to me, and you deserved better than the way I treated you.”  


“All is forgiven,” Jo chided in, “we’re just glad to have you back.”  


But Anna who stood to her right just remained silent, dodging Cas’s gaze. Was she still upset about what had happened in the cafe all that time ago? Cas had thought they had gotten past that, but there was obviously something bothering her. Although he supposed that perhaps his absence had hurt her the most out of everyone. He knew that even after telling her that he wasn’t interested like that, she still had feelings for him. He wished that he had been able to return them. He hated seeing her hurting, especially if it was because of him, but he couldn’t pretend to be what he wasn’t, and she shouldn’t try to make him.  


They all gathered in the living room, sitting in a circle on the floor when Balthazar piped up, “So, man of the hour, what’ll it be?”  


“I was thinking maybe a board game, I thought Sorry might be appropriate.”  


“Oh come on Cas, not everything is your fault. We could have made more of an effort too. But the important thing is that we’re all together now. Sorry isn’t necessary, really. You don’t have to keep beating yourself up over this,” Jo huffed.  


He knew Jo’s words were meant to be kind and cheer him up, but he felt a hollowness to them. He knew that it wasn’t true that they didn’t make enough of an effort. On the days that he would skip out on lunch to go to the library, often times they would come by to check up on him and see if he wanted company. He had brushed them off and told them he was busy with this task or that. And he began to skip out between classes to find Dean so that he could spend a few extra moments with him when he was supposed to be walking to classes with Anna. Eventually, they stopped waiting. They had taken the hint and left him be. But he hadn’t realized how much he had pushed them away until now. He had been in a fog because of Dean, as if nothing else in his life mattered, and in a way, it had made him lose sight of everything else that was important to him.  


They finally decided on Clue, which was one of Cas’s favorites. He always insisted on being Mrs. Peacock, which got him strange glances. He didn’t know quite why, but he had always identified most with her. She had this look about her like she knew much more than she was letting on. Cas felt like that sometimes, like he had so much pent up in his mind that was scratching the surface of his intuition. He enjoyed the sound of laughter as his friends threw around wild accusations as to who was the murderer, but all the while he couldn’t help but to notice Anna’s demeanor. She was almost trying too hard not to look out of place to the point that it backfired. He knew something was up, and he was about to get to the bottom of it.  


As they took a break for snacks, he pulled her aside. “Hey, what’s going on?”  


“What do you mean?” she gave a nervous laugh, glancing down at the ground.  


“Look, I know something’s wrong, so just tell me. I can take it. Did I do something else?”  


Her expression turned to a grimace. He could tell it pained her to think on it. She looked as though she wanted to speak, but there was something holding her back.  


“Come on, I’m tired of this Anna, you know how I feel. You need to stop making me feel guilty for it. I wish with all my heart I returned those feelings, but I don’t and you have to accept that. I know it’s hard, but you can’t hold it against me forever.”  


She laughed bitterly, “I’ve given up on that Cas. You wanna know why?” Her eyes glazed over with a coldness he’d never seen before as she went on. “Well I was going to wait for you this time because, hell, it was the last day and I had nothing to lose, right? I thought maybe we’d finally have some time to catch up and we could talk. When I came up to the door, I watched everyone else leave the room, but not you, oh no, not you. You thought you were so clever didn’t you, so careful? But I saw you. I saw you with him, Cas. Is that where you’ve been all this time, screwing around with your teacher? Is that why you’ve grown so distant? All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me. But it was always you Cas. You and your perversion.”  


He tried to hold back the tears from his face, but his eyes began to water anyway. “How could you say that to me? You’re supposed to be my friend. You’re supposed to support me.”  


“Friend?” she scoffed. “It’s bad enough that you’ve been messing around with a teacher, but a man? You disgust me, Castiel. And you won’t get away with this”  


“Well I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is who I am Anna and I’m tired of hiding that.” He turned away, leaving her standing there, a tear streaming down on his face.  


As he exited, Balthazar tried to stop him. “Where are you going mate? The fun has only just begun!” he exclaimed, but Cas could see there was worry beginning to grow in his eyes. Cas pushed past him and headed out into the cold night.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you say screwed?

Chapter 18- Dean  


Dean heard a knock at the apartment door late around midnight. He groggily shoved the covers off of him and walked over, opening the room to the cool night air. Standing before him, Cas’s eyes were red. When he looked up at Dean, he burst into tears.  


Dean wrapped his arms around him and gripped him tight. “Hey, hey, babe, it’s okay,” he said in a reassuring voice. “It’s okay.”  


“No it’s not,” Cas choked out.  


“What? Why would you say that?”  


“She knows,” he sputtered.  


“What are you talking about? Who knows?”  


“Anna. She saw us. Dean, I don’t know what to do. I think she’s going to tell them.”  


Dean’s face melted into an expression of dread. He knew he had to be strong for Cas, but how could he when he was dropped with this sort of news? Everything they had planned, everything they had worked so hard for could be gone in an instant if she blew the whistle. He couldn’t bear it if he lost Cas. Taking a deep breath, he finally replied, “It’s okay. She’s your friend, right? She wouldn’t do that to you. She wouldn’t hurt you like that.”  


“Dean, you didn’t see her tonight. There was nothing in her expression but… but contempt, hatred. She was so cold. She said I wouldn’t get away with this. She said that I disgusted her. Dean, I’m scared.”  


Dean backed away and sat down on the sofa, placing his head in his hands. What could they do now? Just wait it out? Stay sitting ducks while any moment he could be taken away? He knew that was no option, but what choice _did_ they have? Dean could only think of one. A painful one.  


“Cas, you have to go.”  


“What? Dean, please no. I’ve already lost Anna, I can’t lose you too. Please, don’t do this.” He was blubbering now, his words beginning to sound incoherent.  


“Cas, get your things. I can’t have you here anymore.”  


“Please Dean, don’t kick me out, I have nowhere else to go. Now that I’m 18, Dad won’t want me back home, he’ll say I’m just lazy for not supporting myself. Please, you’re all I have Dean. I need you to get me through this. Don’t you need me?”  


“If they come here and see you Cas, everything will be over for sure. They’ll convict me and I’ll go to jail. I’ll be put on the sex offenders list. I’d lose everything, including you. That’s why you need to go now. At least this way there might be a chance.”  


He hated every word that had spilled from his mouth. He couldn’t do it. He wasn’t strong enough, but he had to be. He had to because it would be the only way Cas might be able to get out of this. He didn’t deserve to get dragged down with Dean. After all, Dean was the offender. He was the one committing the crime, not Cas. However much it pained him, he had to give Cas his best chance.  


“Cas, I need you to get as far from here as you can. You need to get yourself out of this. Please, for your own good.”  


Cas’s eyes were still glazed with pain, but some of the shock had worn off and he nodded. He grabbed together a few things and stood in the doorway, about to leave.  


As Cas turned away to walk out the door, Dean grabbed his shoulder. “Shouldn’t forget this,” he chuckled bitterly, handing over the trench coat. Cas gripped it, looking down at the coat solemnly. “Hey,” Dean breathed, “I love you, never forget that, okay?”  


Cas’s face contorted in an expression of pain, “I love you too. Goodbye, Dean.”  


Putting his head against Cas’s forehead, he leaned in. “This isn’t goodbye. We’re still going to buy that house, settle down. You’ll still go to college, and I’ll be right there with you. Maybe we’ll even adopt a few rugrats like you said you wanted. It isn’t over, Cas. This isn’t how it ends.”  


He pulled Cas’s lips to his one more time, reflecting his every emotion in the movement of his tongue, making it strong, but still soft and infinitely heartfelt. Then he watched Cas walk away, broken.  


The bed felt cold and empty without Cas’s presence. Dean laid awake, unable to sleep without the heat of another body. He stayed there for hours, just staring up at the ceiling. But for the second time that night, Dean heard a knock at the door, and the words muffled through the wooden door, “Police, open up.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Here's where you start hating me.

Chapter 19- Cas  


Cas felt numb. He hadn’t heard from Dean for weeks, and he could only assume the worst had happened. He had only received one phone call from him since the night he had left. It had been just the day after, and all he had told Cas was that they had brought him down to the station and questioned him about the accusations brought up by Anna and that he wouldn’t be able to talk to Cas until this whole thing blew over. But with each passing day, Cas felt it less and less likely he would do so.  


He had gone back to the house and upon his return, his father had told him that he wasn’t trying hard enough and he obviously wasn’t tough enough for the real world. He expected Cas to be a soldier who worked day in and day out and never broke. It seemed he had forgotten that Cas was human too. But since his return, he listened to his father less and less. Most of his days he spent holed up in his room, waiting impatiently by the phone, often too tired to even get out of bed. He had less and less of an appetite lately. In the past three days, he had eaten no more than an apple and a handful of almonds. Jo and Balthazar had each called him at least a dozen times each, wanting to know what had happened. If he had been distant before, that was nothing in comparison to now. He couldn’t bring himself to talk to anyone, not even them.  


Cas was beginning to lose hope that he would ever hear from Dean again. All of those things Dean had said about their future together now seemed like a distant dream, like star once so bright, but now lost in a field of a million others. _How could I have been so stupid?_ Had he really thought that they would find a way to make this work? Had he really thought they would never get caught? They had been so reckless, it seemed a surprise to Cas that they hadn’t been found out earlier the way they were all over one another in the school of all places. And now look what he was left with? Nothing.  


“He’s not going to call, is he?” he spoke aloud to himself. “I mean of course not, It’s been three weeks and you’ve heard nothing, so what makes you think anything will change?”  


He decided to push himself up off the bed and padded over to the refrigerator. He opened it up and stared blankly at its contents. Nothing it bared looked remotely appealing to him, but he grabbed the milk anyway and retrieved the box of cornflakes from the pantry and sat down at the table. He poured the cereal first in the bowl, then the milk. He picked up his spoon with a sigh and as he was about to take a bite, something unimaginable happened. The phone rang. He thought at first he had imagined it; that he had wanted it to happen so badly he had heard it. But it actually was ringing. For a moment, he was paralyzed in place, but he snapped himself out of it and scrambled to pick it up.  


“Hello?,” he panted, out of breath.  


“Cas, babe, it’s me.”  


“Dean?”  


“Yeah, I’m here. Listen, I have bad news.”  


Cas could feel the pressure on his face again as he tried to resist tears. “What is it?”  


“They found the evidence. They checked the camera’s in the library and it shows us. Cas, it dates back to before your 18th birthday. They’ve given me 24 hours to turn myself in before they convict me themselves.”  


Cas didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. Everything had been taken away with those words. And he couldn't process what it really meant right now. He was too overcome with grief.  


“Cas, it’s been like hell without you these past few weeks. I can’t sleep. I can barely eat. I miss you so much, it’s breaking me being away from you. But baby, I love you, and you have to be strong for me, for the both of us. I’m never going to stop loving you.”  


“Dean, please tell me this isn’t real. Please just tell me it’s all some big joke. I can’t lose you, I can’t—” his voice broke.  


“You’ll be okay. You’re going to grow up and go to college. You’re going to forget about me. You’re going to marry some handsome young law student and you’ll have beautiful children. You’re going to be happy Cas, you’re going to be so fucking happy. I’m just sorry I can’t be the person to make that happen anymore.”  


“Dean, don’t say that to me. We’re going to find a way out of this. We’re going to get through this. We’re going to be together.”  


“Not this time, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did this to you,” now Dean was audibly bawling.  


“But there’s no one else for me Dean. You’re it.”  


“I can’t believe that. I have to not believe that. Maybe one day, we’ll see each other again. I hope for my sake we do.”  


“Wait Dean, you can’t—”  


Suddenly there was nothing but static on the other end. “Go,” Cas’s voice echoed around the empty room.  


He had no one now. His dad was never there for him. Anna hated him. His other friends would too if they found out that he’d been with his teacher. His brothers were off living their own lives far away. And now Dean was going to jail for God knows how long, maybe for his lifetime. Cas was completely alone.  


His head began to spin. _It’s all your fault_ it said. _If you had never made that move on him, none of this would ever have happened. He’d still have his job right now. You’d still have your friends right now. You’ve lost everything and it’s your own damn fault._  


“No!” he cried out, trying to battle the voices in his head. “I didn’t— I never meant to,” he wailed.  


_You’re disgusting. Everyone thinks so. Anna does. And what about Dean? He couldn’t even stand to live with you anymore, that’s why he kicked you out on your sorry ass._  


“But he said he loved me…” his voice trailed off, not even he sounded certain about that anymore.  


_If he had loved you, he would have fought for you. Instead he gave up like a coward. What’s the point anymore?_  


“What’s the point anymore?” Cas’s voice echoed hollowly. He ripped a piece of paper from the notebook on his nightstand and began to scribble away furiously. Then he trudged over to his medicine cabinet.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.

Chapter 20- Dean  


Dean didn’t feel right about the phone call with Cas. He knew he had tried to end things, but it still felt messy and unfinished. He felt as though his true message had been lost. He had spent all this time avoiding Cas because he was so scared of what might happen, but now there was no point. His future was inevitable, but Cas’s wasn’t.  


He found himself driving his impala not to the station, but instead in the direction of Cas’s father’s house. When he pulled into the driveway, a cold sensation hit him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was out of place. He hurried out of the car and didn’t bother ringing the doorbell. He entered the house and called out, “Cas?”  


Dean had seen the Lincoln Continental Mark V in the driveway, but still there was no response. He walked through the hallway and everything remained completely silent. “Cas?” he called again, worry beginning to edge into his voice. This was unlike him. Cas was the type of guy who would be waiting by the door for you to arrive, whether you told him you were coming or not. Dean turned the corner to where Cas’s bedroom was and pushed open the door.  


“Cas!” he shouted, running over to where the boy was, strewn across the floor. Dean knelt down beside him. “Cas, baby, wake up,” he shouted, shaking him.  


Cas’s eyes fluttered open, staring up into Dean’s.  


“Are you alright? What are you doing on the floor?”  


“Dean…” his voice was soft and adoring. Every hint of worry, sadness, and fear that Dean had heard over the phone had seemed to melt away and was replaced almost with a _warmth._  


“Cas, what happened to you?” Dean asked anxiously.  


“It’s okay Dean, I remember everything. It’s all okay now. It was all worth it.”  


“Cas, you’re not making sense.”  


“It was all worth it,” Cas’s blue eyes grew wide and intense. He was calm, and he wrapped his fingers through Dean’s.  


“But—” Dean’s confusion was cut short.  


When Cas touched him, he was hit by a wall of images, like a scene playing out in his head. He was no longer in Cas’s bedroom; he was in a dimly lit nursery room, overlooking a worn wooden crib with a little baby, no more than 3 months old inside of it, crying at the top of its lungs. A woman dressed in white with long flowing blonde hair and green eyes walked over to the crib and picked the baby up, cradling it in her arms. She hushed the baby and smiled.  


_Mom?_ Dean thought. Then he realized where he was. This was _his_ nursery.  


“Don’t you worry Dean, angels are watching over you,” she cooed.  


But as she said that, the image panned over to the corner where a boy with dark hair and deep blue eyes stood, smiling down at the child in her arms.  


_Wait..._ Dean began to think. But before he could, he was whisked away again.  


The image began to distort and he was transported to the day his father had first taught him to hold a hunting rifle. He saw himself, no older than 7 holding the rifle in his hands, barely able to lift its weight, and aiming at lined up beer bottles on the concrete wall that fenced in his mother’s tiny, untended garden. He pulled the trigger, but instead of breaking the bottles he had meant to aim for, the bullet had sailed right past them, missing the garden wall altogether. His father’s expression turned sour and he ripped the gun out of his younger self’s hands.  


“You’ll never be a hunter with that aim,” he sneered angrily.  


“I’m sorry dad, I’ll try harder next time.” his eyes looked frantic, desperately searching for the approval he never seemed to receive from his father.  


“Don’t worry, there won’t be a next time,” his father grumbled and stormed off.  


The young Dean went over to where the bottles were lined up and knocked each one if them off the wall and smashed them against the concrete in frustration. But behind the young version of himself, he saw the same dark-haired blue-eyed boy appear; his expression was filled with sympathy. The boy reached out and placed a hand on young Dean’s shoulder. Although his younger self did not turn to acknowledge the boy, he dropped the broken bottle from his hand and collected himself. He sat on the concrete wall and the boy sat next to him.  


_All this time._  


Once again, the scene dissipated and the next he saw was of himself when he was 15 years old, his first heartbreak. This had been when he was staying at Sonny’s home for boys and had met the girl Robin who taught music lessons to the boys there. He saw himself on the night of the dance, dressed in a button down shirt and tie. He remembered just how excited he had been. Robin was his first kiss and first love— if he could really call it that— and he had wanted to make this a special night for them both. But outside, he heard the squeal of tires and watched as his father’s Impala (now his own) had pulled into the driveway. Sonny had come over to him with a look of sadness in his eyes.  


“Your father’s here son, he says you have to go. But you don’t have to go with him. You have a good thing going for you here.”  


As Dean looked out the window and saw his little brother Sammy in the car playing with a toy plane in the backseat, he had known he couldn’t turn away. He saw himself get into the car, leaving Robin in the rearview mirror. When he had gotten back to the motel that night, he had gone to the bedroom and cried endlessly into the red and gold printed comforter. Dean remembered this moment well.  


He noticed the figure of the boy appear by the side of the bed. This time, the boy crawled onto the bed with Dean, and wrapped Dean up, but it wasn’t with his arms. It was with a set of plush, beautiful, feathery, black _wings_ that sprouted from the boy’s shoulder blades. He saw his younger self begin to relax, and there was the hint of a smile on his face. Whatever the creature had done, it had seemed to help him.  


Dean stared in awe. He’d never seen anything so _beautiful._  


As this scene faded, it was replaced with an image of Dean only a year ago. He saw himself with Lisa. Her brown eyes were filled with fire and she was shouting accusations at Dean.  


“How could you have done something so foolish!” Lisa cried.  


“Look I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would be that bad.” his voice sounded full of regret. He had been so angry at himself that day, he didn’t blame Lisa for feeling the same.  
“But you put him in danger, Dean. I don’t know if I can trust you to make the right decisions anymore,” she countered.  
This had been Lisa and Dean’s first fight when he had taken Ben out in the Impala to go to the dodgier end of town. He had just meant to go to the hardware store. He had left Ben in the car for just a moment to go and buy some tools, but when he had gotten back out, he saw a man attempting to break into the car. Dean had put all his weight behind his fist, and the collision with the man’s face had been enough to knock him out. It had been purely an accident, but Lisa had blamed Dean for putting her son in harm’s way.  


He saw himself storm out of the room, heading straight toward the liquor cabinet and grabbing a bottle of whiskey, but again the boy was before him. The boy reached out, grabbing Dean’s arm. He watched on in amazement as he saw himself put down the bottle of whiskey on the table and slump his shoulders. The boy then leaned in, and planted a kiss upon Dean’s forehead.  


As suddenly as the scenes had flashed into Dean’s mind, they were gone. Dean was left there to stand completely dumbfounded.  


He was back in the dim room, Cas lying before him on the ground. Looking down at him now, he saw those same blue eyes and dark hair. He had been with Dean his entire life, but how was that possible? He was only an 18 year old boy. Dean had seen it. Dean had seen the _wings_. Those beautiful celestial wings that had glimmered as they moved to embrace him.  


“Cas,” Dean stammered, still in a state of shock. He knew he was wrong. Cas wasn’t, he _couldn’t_ be… “Cas, you’re—”  


“An angel. Or at least, I was.” Cas’s voice sounded faint and it was only growing weaker.  


“Was is right,” a new voice added. As Dean turned in its direction, his expression hardened. A girl with red hair stood in the doorway, hazel eyes flashing.  


“Anna,” Dean growled. “What are you doing here? Haven’t you caused enough damage? Get out.”  


“Now why would I want to do that?” she chided. “Cas was my friend you know.”  


“Your friend? All of this is because of you!” Dean shouted, seething with anger.  


“Oh Dean, that’s cute. So I suppose I’m the one that forced your hand to have an affair with a student?” Snickering, she added, “And an underage one at that, well at least, that’s what _they_ think. Doesn’t that make you a pervert or something? Right… that was all _my_ fault.”  


“Get out of here before I—”  


“Before you what? Kill me?” Anna chuckled. “You wouldn’t have it in you. Wouldn’t want to add onto that prison sentence. I think registered sex offender is bad enough. Besides, don’t you want to know how I fit into the picture, how I know that poor little Castiel here used to be Dad’s most cherished soldier.” She twisted her fingers through her hair, wearing a cruel smile.  


“Cas, what is she talking about?  


Cas looked as though he wanted to speak, but his lips stilled and all he could manage was a cough. Dean looked down at him worriedly. “Cas, you’re gonna be okay. We’ll make it out of this.”  


“What are you?” Dean’s eyes were fixated on Anna now.  


“Is it so hard to believe that I too am an angel. There are thousands of us you know, Castiel and I are just two of many.”  


“That’s a laugh. You’re an angel.” Dean’s voice resonated hollowly, devoid of any hint of amusement. “ An angel wouldn’t do this. Besides, why should I trust anything that comes from you, after what you did?”  


“Well maybe if you knew my motives, you wouldn’t be so disbelieving.”  


At this, Dean laughed bitterly, “You wanna bet?”  


She glared at him, but nevertheless began her story.“Castiel fell from heaven for a reason, Dean. You know he was one of Dad’s favorites. He was always so… _obedient_ , the perfect soldier. But that all ended the day Dad made the mistake of assigning Cas the “special” case: you. From the moment Cas set eyes on you, it was over.” She swept her hands up into the air, mimicking a grand gesture. “ He cared for you more than he had anyone, even the other angels. And when you grew up, I could tell that caring feeling had grown to be… something else, even if Cas didn’t know it yet. But when Dad found out, he was furious. He told Castiel he had to leave you alone. It was forbidden, of course, for an angel to fall in love with a human, especially a _guardian_ angel. He never expected the perfect little soldier to disobey him. Castiel was so in love with you Dean, he cut the angel grace from his own body.” Her voice shook the room with anger and pain. “Can you even begin to fathom how painful that is, Dean?”  


Dean just shook his head, dumbfounded as she continued.  


“Without the grace, Castiel became mortal. He dropped to the Earth. He had nothing: no memory of his time as an angel, no family, no recollection even of the reason he fell.”  


Dean looked to Castiel for affirmation, expecting to get a disbelieving look, but the angel only nodded his head.  


“But none of this explains why you destroyed his life. He gave up everything for this, and now he’s finally happy. Why would you want to do that to your family?” His voice wavering in contempt.  


“Simple.” Anna smiled, “Castiel was God’s golden boy, his prized angel. When Castiel left, Father was miserable. He left heaven in shambles. His grief destroyed half of it, leaving us all to clean up the mess. After that, he vanished, became Castiel’s father on Earth— Chuck, I think he called himself— but this wasn’t enough. He loved Castiel _so_ much that he felt the need to cast down Balthazar and I too. Of course Gabriel had already been on the ground undercover checking out the guy Castiel was so smitten with. It was so cute that he asked me not to interfere, he really liked you you know, said that you were right for Cas. But as for me? I was demoted to protect _him_ ,” she spat out the word as if it were unclean, “while the rest of heaven had to suffer the consequences of Castiel’s mistake. So I played my part. He had no memory of me, so I played the role of the heart-broken teenage girl as a sort of means to an end. Trust me, I derived no pleasure from pretending to be in love with him, but when I discovered what you two had been doing,” Her voice filled with joyful spite, “it was the _perfect_ way to get God’s attention. Too much heart really _had_ always been Castiel’s problem. Without you, there was nothing for him here, I made sure of that when I planted the fake memories of his human years. I made up how his father was never there for him and his brothers were all far away. It was perfect because he believed he had nothing. He became so immersed in you that without you, he’d no longer have a reason to live. Finally God would have a reason to come home.”  


“What did you do, you monster?” Dean felt his mouth go dry and a knot form in his stomach. His eyes filled with horror and disbelief at what she was suggesting.  


“I didn’t do anything,” she said, gesturing toward Castiel’s left hand, “I didn’t have to.”  


Dean let his eyes drift slowly toward the hand. He hadn’t noticed it before, but it was gripping something: a bottle. The bottle was empty. He froze, eyes glazed in terror as he came to the realization.  


“No,” he whimpered. “No, no, no.”  


He knew he’d felt something wrong. How could he have been so blind as to what was going on? He should never have left Cas alone. Look at what he’d done.  


“Cas, baby, we could’ve fixed this.” Dean’s eyes misted.  


Cas had remained quiet through Anna’s speech, but now he struggled to speak, his voice barely above a whisper, “But Dean, it was never broken.”  


“Why did you do it Cas?”  


“It was over. You said so yourself. You’re going to turn yourself in tomorrow. You told me I had to move on, but I couldn’t Dean.” He choked back the tears that were brimming around his eyelids. “ I never could, not then and not now. It’s you; it was always you.” his voice grew fainter still.  


Cas’s hand went to Dean’s face, feeling over the constellations of freckles that blotted his face around, silhouetting peridot eyes. But something seized in Cas and his hand fell away. His eyes grew wide, and then still. Dean felt as the last puff of breath escaped Cas’s body, still warm against Dean’s cheek.  


“No,” he whispered, cupping Cas’s face in his hands. “No!” he shouted looking upward, loud enough for the heavens to hear, then crumpled back down, gripping Cas tighter.  


“It was for the best Dean,” Anna’s voice sounded behind him, “he was never meant to live among the mortals. Now he will finally be returned to heaven. God will finally return to heaven. And all will be right in the world.”  


“All will be right in the world? Your brother, or whatever he is to you just died, but you want to tell me all will be right in the world? What kind of sick bastard are you? Cas was finally happy and the only thing you cared about was a little mess he made for you? When things get messy you clean up the mess, you don’t destroy someone’s life over it. You don’t take away someone’s happiness. I thought angels were supposed to be guardians, _protectors_. You’re so selfish you couldn’t even protect your own family.”  


“But don’t you see? I did what was best for my family. With God back in heaven, we will be whole again. Things will be just.”  


“This is what you call _just_?” he snarled.  


“I’m sorry you lost someone you loved Dean, but Castiel still has work to do, and he can’t do that with you as a distraction. This life for him may be over, but it is not the end of him.” Anna’s final words fell into thin air. She was gone and Dean was left alone with Cas once more.  


Cas had given up everything for him. He had devoted his life to Dean, even when his love had been unrequited.  


He held Cas to him close, “We will find a way, this isn’t goodbye. It can’t be goodbye,” he whispered, as tears streamed down his face. He laid Cas’s body down onto his bed, but as he rested his head gently down on the pillow, he noticed a folded piece of notebook paper beside him. Unfurling it he read the carefully etched script:  


_**Dear Dean,**_  
_**The first thing you need to know is that none of it was ever your fault. You were the beacon of light in my world of darkness. I’m so sorry for leaving you with this burden. I know how much you really cared about me. We shared the most precious moments of my life, and that is something that I will carry on with me wherever I go from here. But without you, I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up, and that is my own error. I was too dependent on you for my happiness that I never found a way to be happy with myself. Before you, I had nothing that kept me anchored and it hurt too much to lose you. I know you wanted me to move on, but I know I never could. My life begins and ends where we are. For what was life before Dean Winchester? A prologue, and this is my final chapter.**_  
_**I love you and I’m sorry,**_  
_**Cas**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of you that stuck around to the end, thank you.


End file.
